Forgiveness

Those few people in my life who know me best, know that I really struggle with forgiveness.  Ughh!

The hardest thing for me to forgive is someone lying to me or deceiving me.   Why can't people just tell the truth??   It hurts far less to hear the truth! 

The TRUTH...I promise, I can handle that...

I'm not talking about when a child of mine lies and says he/she wasn't eating a chocolate chip cookie, even though I see chocolate in both corners of his/her tiny mouth...

I'm not even talking about when a friend says I look great - when I have gained weight, have a really gross pimple on my chin, a ponytail, and I'm wearing sweatpants!

I'm talking about when someone - who is supposed to care about me, love me deeply, who should know me well enough to feel safe sharing with me - looks me blatantly in the eye - and lies to me. 

I'm talking about that someone living a life differently around me than they live when they're alone. 

I'm talking about that someone living such a pattern of lies that it's eerily predictable. 

Lack of character...blatant deception...hypocrisy...and clinging to church-y words to sound like a good person.   It weighs on me like a lead weight...like a plague...infiltrating my thoughts and feelings way too much! 

Makes me want to vomit - literally.

For a long time I thought forgiving someone meant reconciliation - so I rarely granted it.  Those in my life who deserve forgiveness the least, simply can't be reconciled with right now. 

Later, I learned that forgiveness CAN be granted without fear of unhealthy reconciliation.  It just takes two willing parties for reconciliation to occur - and a change of heart.  In my experience, the other party doesn't care one way or the other - ummm...no change of heart.   But, that doesn't mean I can't grant forgiveness.  So, I have.  And, that's been a good thing. 

And, then it happens again...and again. 

And, frankly, this Easter season has been hard for me. 

I know the scripture.

I know that Jesus literally laid down his life so I could have forgiveness for my complete wretchedness. (And, don't think I don't know there is wretchedness in my heart.)  I know that I must forgive as God has forgiven me.  I know I'm supposed to forgive 7 x 70 (over and over and over).

I get that.

But still, I struggle to let things go.  Yes, I hold grudges. 

I'm not proud of this.  In fact, I literally hate this about me!  It makes me wonder if I really am who I say I am - a Christian.

It makes me wonder what in the world God is doing.  And, it makes me ask, "Why me, Lord?  I'm too weak...too egotistic...for You to use me at all!" 

I can't do this.  I really can't.  It's just too hard. 

Forgiveness...God help me, because this is just too hard for me.

Like so many times before, God sent me a song this week.  He helped me realize, at least, that I must not really be alone - even when I feel like I'm the only one dealing with this crap - b/c Matthew West actually wrote a song about it.  Which means, somebody else can at least relate...

Can you relate?  If so, how have you chosen to forgive?  I'd love to hear your story...of Forgiveness. 

     


    

Thank You for Giving Them a Baby to Hold

I can't believe I haven't written anything on here in over a month!

Where has the time gone?

I have tons to write about, but will start with sharing about the most amazing birth experience of my life - besides the birth of my own children, of course!

Several months ago, I completed my doula training and signed a contract with my first client.

I had my first client as a DOULA!   Woohoo!!

(Don't have a clue what a "doula" is?  You're not alone!  Check out this site for more info.)

My "client" was actually a very good friend of mine, and is special to me in so many ways.  She and her husband allowed me the privilege of serving them during the labor and delivery of their "rainbow baby" - a term given to a baby born after the loss of a child.  It's a term of endearment that signifies that God's promises ring true always.

My friend gave birth to a BEAUTIFUL little girl on January 30th - and I got to be a part of it!  WOW!  After hours of intense and focused labor, my dear friend was able to give birth without interventions - just the way she wanted. 

I was amazed at her grace and beauty and strength!  It was the first time I had been a part of a birth where I wasn't the one actually giving birth.

I could sense God's presence in that room unlike anything I had ever experienced before.  What joy, what love in the faces of the mommy and daddy!  I tried my very best to soak it all in. The father's anxiety, the tears of joy, the way they couldn't take their eyes off their daughter from the moment she was born - the intense love they felt for each other and for their God was tangible.

I didn't sleep at all that night (of course - Baby was born just before 4 am!), and I got home just before 7 am - just in time for Gregg to leave for work.  It couldn't have been more perfect timing!
 
I had scheduled an eye appointment the same day at 10, so there was no need to sleep until that afternoon.  The crazy thing was, the adrenaline and joy I felt for this family made me unable to sleep anyway.  It's an experience I will cherish for a lifetime.

I'm hoping someone else in my "little world" will have the desire for a doula soon and consider my serving them.  Because I sooo want to do that again!

Here's one of my favorite pics I managed to grab that precious morning:

 

 

I'm sure this mommy will be sharing more photos and details of labor and delivery once things settle down a little at their house, so I won't attempt to steal any of her joy in sharing. 

 

Until then, you must check out my friend's blog here.  Be sure to start at the beginning.  You will be inspired and awed by her story! 

 

Oh, and did I mention that this little beauty was publicly dedicated to God in a beautiful service this past Sunday, and they asked Gregg and me to be her sponsors?!?!  This means we get the responsibility of committing to pray for and encourage this family as they parent.  I can't think of a sweeter gift that they could've given us.  (Of course, we'd have been praying for them all along anyway, but it sure feels pretty special to be a noted part of this little girl's life!)

 

Thank you, Lord, for using me in a small way to make a difference. 

 

And, thank you for giving them a baby to hold and call their own.  You are so good!

 

My Church Is Kind Of A Big Deal and Changes in Me

My family gets to be a part of an amazing local church that serves a much more amazing God.

We're going through a series entitled "My Church Is Kind Of A Big Deal." 

The truth is, the only "big deal" is Jesus Christ Himself!  So, why would we say, "My church is kind of a big deal"?

It's because my church is a group of people who are MAKING JESUS A BIG DEAL - b/c we know He is everything He says He is!  His Spirit lives in us, and He is making us more like Him - sometimes very slowly...sometimes quickly...and always deliberately. 

We're at different places - some of us have known God intimately for a long time...some of us are just coming to know Him...and many of us are sorta in-between the two.  But, we are wanting to be different - closer to Him - in the days ahead.  We respect our differences and agree that God, through Christ, can use our sometimes broken, weak, and imperfect selves.

Unfortunately, a church like this, in today's America...well, it's rare. 

And that makes my church "kind of a big deal."

We're not perfect - nor do we claim to be.  In fact, it's one of the few churches I've been associated with that I don't feel like I have to pretend to be something I'm not.  I get to be ME.  (At least, I try to be me.  Old habits die hard for all of us, you know?)

And, the thing that most stands out to me is what ISN'T a big deal at my church. Things like: the clothes you wear, the tattoos you sport, the jewelry you have in all the right places, and not knowing everything there is to know about "the Christian life". 

There are some things that are strangely missing, too.  Things like: side-view glances, fake smiles, empty words, and this eery feeling that you don't belong b/c you're not "like everybody else."  Things like:  fear of inviting a friend, or coworker, or even some random person you meet on the street and having them feel like an outcast if they choose to come.

My church is also kind of a big deal because we realize that it isn't defined or contained by a building.  The church's BUILDING is a place - a GPS location - where we get to meet together during the week.  It's a TOOL we use to help others learn more about Him.  The building isn't the church - WE ARE THE CHURCH.

We are bonded by a common vision to "discover truth, experience community, and love people."  We don't just SAY we worship and serve Him outside the walls of our church building - we actually do it. 

That being said, yesterday God used my pastor when he shared a sermon that dealt with change - personal, real, tangible, noticable, life-changing growth - in me...in EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of us.

He talked about how one of the purposes of looking in a mirror is to see what I might need to change about myself.  Wouldn't it be silly if I looked in a mirror, saw myself looking like a mess, and then walked away without doing anything about it?  What would be the point of looking in the mirror at all if I just ignored it???

God says, "For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was."  (James 1:23-24 NASB)

God has been showing me some things that I need to change about me - things that need to change so I can be more like Him and bring Him the glory He so rightly deserves.  Too often I've looked in the mirror of His word, and God has shown me the mess I am.  He's said, "Look at that bitterness, unforgiveness, and lack of self-control.  Let me help you clean it up.  I love you, and I want you to reflect Me - not yourself." 

And, what do I do?  

Yep.  You guessed it...I've too often walked away in ignorance or apathy.  Is it enough to see myself in the mirror, know I need to change, and just talk about it?

It isn't.

Last week, God even spoke through a dear friend, and showed me just how much I need to slow down even more and seek Him.  So, I'm letting God refine me.  I'm daily seeking to surrender my desires so I can reflect more of Him.  I'm trying to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not forget what God is showing me there. 

I'm seeking to be a "doer of the word" and not just a hearer. 

And, I'm learning there's a difference between being a "doer" and being a "doer of the word."

There's a song we've sang as a church several times.  The first time I heard it was during a worship service.  It was the Sunday following the miscarriage of our baby this past October.  I was so overcome with emotion by the words, I couldn't even sing.  I needed God to give me faith b/c I definitely had questions and doubts.

Yesterday, we sang it again.  And, again, I was completely overcome with God's Spirit present in the words of this song:

I need you to soften my heart
to break me apart
I need you to open my eyes
to see that you're shaping my life

All I am
I surrender

Give me faith to trust what you say
that you're good and your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life

I need you to soften my heart
to break me apart
I need you to pierce through the dark
and cleanse every part of me

I may be weak
but Your spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail
My God you never will

 

Lord, help me change when you show me what needs changing. 

"...Give me faith to trust what you say, that you're good and your love is great.  I'm broken inside, I give you my life....I may be weak, but Your spirit's strong in me.  My flesh may fail, my God you never will..."

 

Rainy Days and Mondays

Day 2 of rain and dreary weather here. 

That means 2 days of not really wanting the kids to run and romp through the yard.

That means some wilder-than-normal kiddos!

That means 2 days of not seeing sunshine and feeling just a LITTLE. BIT. BLUE.

Don't get me wrong - I do really like rainy weather, b/c I know we so often need the rain.  And, if I could snuggle in a cozy chair, with a fluffy blanket, beside a nice window - and read a good Karen Kingsbury novel in peace and quiet - I might REALLY LOVE rainy weather. 

But, who has time for THAT?!?!?

So, all day yesterday (Monday), I kept replaying this song in my mind.  It fit my mood.  Mondays are always hard for us anyway.  As busy as our weekdays are, the weekends often seem to be that much busier.  And, I'm not a morning person - enough said.

I have always loved the sound of The Carpenters.  It's a very distinguished sound, don't you think?

So here's to rainy days and Mondays.  May I run to "the One who loves me."  (I know this isn't Who the song refers to, but it spoke volumes to me this morning when I listened to the words.  I hadn't heard the song in a looooong time.)

Thanks, Lord, for reminding me to run to You - through rainy days AND Mondays.

 

 

 

*** If I'm correct, this song came along 4 years before I was even born.  And, yet, I've known the words for as long as I can remember...  I remember standing in my garage at home, growing up, and singing at the top of my lungs - I loved the acoustics in the garage! And in the bathroom with the avocado green tile, toilet, and sink - flashback to the 70's :)

 

(NOTE:  I, in no way, endorse or condone any product/service commercial that Youtube may connect to this video.  I've seen 2 different commercials at the beginning when I viewed this one - one of which peeved me greatly...)

Does Homemade Pizza Crust Make Me A Better Mom?

Well, welcome to a new year! 

Boy, did 2012 fly by in a flurry of commotion, expectations, heartaches, and joy - or what?!?

I realized years ago that there was no need for me to make New Year's resolutions - they always make me feel like a failure.  Usually they've included stupid stuff like - lose 10 pounds.

Besides, ten pregnancies and 8 children later, I've decided I'm entitled to be 10 lbs. heavier than when I got married.  At least that's the way I'm feeling right now, while those Reeses cups are calling my name from the cabinet.  When they're gone, maybe I'll rethink the 10 lb. thing.  Maybe I'll decide to eat less and exercise more.  Maybe wearing the same pair of black pants over and over and over, b/c I don't have others that fit, will motivate me to be healthier.  But I don't feel like thinking about it anymore right now.

So...on to the point...

The turning of a new year didn't prompt me to make a resolution exactly, but the past few months I have been thinking A LOT about my role as a wife and mother.  Over the course of the last couple of years, I've added a few things to my already very full "plate."

You see, I've been a full-time wife and mother for almost 15 years now.  I currently homeschool my 5 oldest children, while caring for my 3 youngest.  From the time my feet hit the floor in the morning, until the kids go to bed at night, I barely stop to use the bathroom.  Even when I'm on the toilet, I'm usually reading or making a "to do" list or screaming for the kids to stop wrestling before somebody gets hurt!  (I'm a multi-tasker...what can I say?)

So, somehow, I added several more very large items to my list of responsibilities / things I WANTED to do. Those things included, but were not limited to, responsibilities at church, learning to sew, learning better photography, training to become a doula, and starting this blog.  And, I started my own business - which somehow lead into 2 small, home-based businesses, actually.  If I choose to promote my doula services, that could make it 3. 

Before I knew it, 2012 was insanely busy - like INSANE!  I was homeschooling, making bows while I called out spelling words, and staying up really late just to have a little quiet time to get orders finished.  I've multi-tasked my life away.  My brain has been going 100 mph - constantly.

So, the past few months things have caught up with me. I've been tired, super-grumpy, depressed, and, in the midst of it all, I'm pretty sure God's been screaming at me to "BE STILL!!!" 

I don't even know if I know how...

And, I don't even know what "being still" looks like for me.

But, I do know this...somethings got to give - and it's NOT going to be my husband and children.  I need to refocus.  I need to step back and take a good, long, hard look at what's important. 

I don't want to get 5, 10, 15, 20 years down the road and realize that I was home with my kids, but didn't really get to enjoy them. 

So, for the past couple of months I've begun to step back a little.  I've been asking God to show me what needs to change. 

I've been trying to schedule church and business responsibilities in a way that those things don't take precedence over my primary ministry - my husband and children.

I've been trying to give myself a little bit of grace when I don't feel like I get it all done.

When I should've taken a little extra time for a friend...

When I should've done a better job leading church preschool...

When I should've promoted my products/services more over the holidays...

When I should've sent that special gift/card/letter, but didn't...

I'm trying to focus on spending more time with Gregg and Nathan, Caleb, Eva, Elijah, Isaiah, Samuel, Silas, and Kedesh.

I know, I know...I'm here all day.  But, I mean REALLY spending time WITH them - not BESIDE them.

So, last week the kids asked if we could make homemade pizzas - with homemade pizza dough.  My first thought was "No way!  Can you imagine the mess we'll have to clean up?  Let's just eat sandwiches, or soup."  (I can be a real ogre.)

Then, I decided maybe this was one of those things God was trying to use to help me remember how to enjoy my kids. 

So, we made pizza dough.  First time EVER.

And 2 big pizzas.

And it was fun!  And yummy!

And, as lame and pitiful as it might sound, I needed that. 

It wasn't the pizza, really.  It was the fact that we stopped other responsibilites to do something just for fun - for all of us.  I'm afraid I haven't been very fun in way too long.

Just the day-to-day tasks of running our home can be daunting.  I'm not complaining - just stating a fact.  It takes a lot of work.  And, sometimes I totally forget to relax a little and enjoy life.

So, I'm trying to refocus.  I'm trying to slow down a little. 

I'm asking God for guidance.  Sometimes I have a hard time discerning if it's what God wants or just what I want.  And to make it more difficult, I think God often gives us the desires of our hearts and allows us to use our gifts/abilities to bless others and bring Him glory when that's our heart's motive.

So...does homemade pizza crust make me a better mom?

Probably not.

But, taking the time to make the crust with my kids, just might...

Mr. Peppermint Candy Man

A couple of weeks ago I met "Mr. Peppermint Candy Man." 

Ever heard of him?

Nope?

Well, that's because it's the name I've dubbed the sweet gentleman I met in Lowe's a couple of weeks ago.  The fact that I'm writing about him now tells you that he left an impression on my mind and heart.

I had gone into Lowe's to make a return, and as I was standing in line at the counter, I noticed that there was an older man (maybe mid-70's?) standing near the counter with an ice cream bucket.  You know, the kind you get when you go to the store to buy ice cream for 8 kids - you get the big ole plastic bucket for like five bucks?

His bucket was filled with peppermint candies, and he proceeded to speak kindly to me as I passed, and then he struck up a conversation with the 2 other gentlemen standing in line behind me.

"Mr. Peppermint Candy Man" was just making some random small talk, and he gave the 2 men each a couple pieces of candy.  He then turned to me and spoke some kind words.

I don't really remember what he said, actually.

But, I remember what he DID - he handed me 2 pieces of round, red/white striped peppermint. 

It reminded me of my grandma keeping the ones in her pocketbook in church for when she'd start to cough.  Sometimes she'd hand one to me in the middle of the church service, and I'd feel like it was one of the best treats ever!

My curiosity got the best of me, and I had to know why in the world this strange little old man was standing in Lowe's passing out candy.  Did Lowe's pay him to greet people as they walked in and hand them candy?  Novel idea, but he wasn't wearing one of those "fancy" Lowe's vests. 

Did he lace the candies with some weird drugs to try to hurt people?  (okay...so the thought did cross my mind...it's a rough world we live in, right?)

So, I asked him why he passed out candy. 

He smiled and explained to me (and the 2 men behind me who were also curious by now) that he often does this whenever he goes places.  He told us that the sun was shining outside, but it doesn't often shine once he goes inside a building.  So, he passes out the candies in order to bring a little sunshine to others.

He explained that his bank teller had teased him that he was going to go broke giving out candy all the time.  He chuckled and said...

"This candy...it's not much.  It doesn't cost me much - not worth much.  But the smiles...(and he pointed to all 3 of us who were smiling at him, at this point, with candy in our mouths)...the smiles on people's faces...those are worth a lot!"

I finished my transaction, left the store, and traveled home.  But, I couldn't get this man and his peppermints out of my mind.  I couldn't wait to tell my kids about him. 

How perceptive of him to walk through a store and see how few people really smile.

Have you noticed?  This Christmas season...have you noticed how many friendly smiles you get when you walk through Wal-Mart?

So, this gentleman was using a bucket of peppermint candy to help people remember what it's like to smile.  To remember what it's like to be noticed, to be spoken to, to have eye contact with another person, to be a light in a darkened world.

Maybe I'm being a little too melodramatic...thinking too much about the world lately...but he made an impression on me. 

And, well, I'm seriously considering teaching my kids to imitate his little tactic.  I mean, we already have the buckets, and the candy doesn't cost much...but the smiles..."those are worth a lot!"

So, thanks, Mr. Peppermint Candy Man...you made my day! 

 

I Am Thankful for My Husband

I am thankful for Gregg.

I remember praying as a young girl - when I felt ugly and unpopular, a misfit - that God would send me someone special. 

And He did!

 

Over 21 years ago, I began dating a brilliant man that would honor my purity,

who would love me through good and bad,

who would cherish me as a tender henna blossom (see Song of Solomon - it's an amazing book!),

 

who would follow God wholeheartedly, despite what others might say is "logical and sane",

who would be the most wonderful daddy to our children,

 

 

who would make me laugh,

who would help wipe my tears when pain came our way,

who would help provide financial security for our family,

who would work unbelievably hard every day,

 

who would cook and clean when needed,

who would read God's word to our children EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.

 

And, have I mentioned that he is the sexiest man alive??

 



He's certainly not perfect (who is?), but I think he's pretty dog-gone close! :) 

I made the comment at lunch, this past Sunday, that I am "one of the most blessed women in the world to have a husband like him."  My 13 year old son, Caleb, corrected me and said, "You are THE most blessed woman right now...When I get married, you will be ONE of the most blessed women!"  LOL!  I bet he's right, b/c his Lord and his Daddy are helping train him well.  :)  

I am one very spoiled woman! 

May I never take for granted the precious gift God gave me when He gave me my husband.