It's Not Quite Like I Thought It'd Be

Today, my firstborn turns 18.

Eighteen years ago I was struggling with preeclampsia - my feet, hands, face, and abdomen were swollen beyond anything I had ever imagined.  After a protein urine test over the weekend and a doctor visit on Monday afternoon, it was determined that the little boy growing inside of my womb needed to be born immediately.

And, just like that...I was officially thrust into motherhood.

I had a lot to learn...but I knew that God had created me to be a mother.  He had given me this child to nurture, to teach, to prepare for the world.

...Then came sleepless nights...and I thought, "I can't wait until he sleeps through the night!"

...And then came toddlerhood...and I thought, "I can't wait until he learns to go potty...and dress himself...and feed himself!"

...Then there was preschool...and I thought, "I can't wait until he learns to read and write!"

...Early school days came and went in a flurry of commotion...and I thought, "I'll be so glad when I get him to the point where he wants to learn independently!"

...He turned 15...and I thought, "Yay, now he can drive!"

...Along the way, he began to learn to pull a man's load of work around our home and in our community...and I thought, "I'll be glad when he decides on a college to attend and chooses just the right career for himself!"

And, now...he's 18.

High school graduation is near...our school days as teacher-parent and pupil-child are almost over.

He sleeps through the night, goes to the potty and dresses himself, reads and writes, learns independently, drives his own car, and has decided on a college to attend.

He has grown to be a young man that fills me with pride.

He has big plans for his future.

...And they don't all include mom and dad.

All these things I "couldn't wait" to happen...have happened.

My firstborn son is now officially a grown man.

When I held Nathan in my arms for the first time (all 5 lb. 13 ozs. of him), I never imagined I could love him more.  As the years have flown by, I have found that I love him with a greater intensity than I ever imagined. 

There are emotions that only a mother understands - a teetering between wishing he were little again, and yet, enjoying what he has become. 

Today, I admit, I'm sad.  I'm sad for the times I know I messed up and didn't truly cherish the moments.  I'm sad that his hugs are a little different.  And that there are no child-like snuggles or bedtime stories now.  I'm sad that he no longer depends on me. 

Years ago...as I was constantly waiting for the next stage, it was hard to enjoy the moments at hand.

I thought I'd be GLAD when he was finally 18. 

...But, somehow, it's not quite like I thought it'd be...

HERE WE GO AGAIN!!

Officially announcing the newest little member of our family...

Currently 20 weeks and counting...EDD 2.19.15.  Maybe a Valentine's Baby??

We are always getting questions, and honestly, I really do love when people genuinely are curious and want to know about our family and what makes us tick.   I realize that our family is unique - isn't every family??  My family is my favorite thing to talk about!   Unfortunately, it's the condescending questions that leave me feeling misunderstood and hurt.  So...to make this post more fun, here are a few questions we have heard...and the answers we might have given (in no particular order).

1.  "Are you excited?" ...Yes, of course we're excited!  The kids can't wait to add another sibling to our sometimes crazy chaos.  It's the stuff that makes life fun and full of love and laughter!  Besides, how many kids get to grow up having "real, live baby dolls"?  (Forget those Toys R Us versions that only give a weak cry and pretend to wet their diaper - this is much more fun! ;) )

2.  "How many are you going to HAVE?" or "Are you going to have any MORE?"  ...Hey, when you already have 9 kiddos running around, that's a valid question - I totally get it.  For the record, we plan to have as many as God wants us to have.  No, we don't use birth control, ovulation kits, or natural family planning.  We realize that we are blessed we don't have to use those things.  We trust that God, the Creator of everything - from the Universe to the mitochondria in each tiny living cell -   knows best. 

3.  "How do you AFFORD all those kids?" ...Well, Gregg has a wonderful job that he loves with a very good company, making a good salary.  But, we have basic cell phones without internet, we don't have cable television, we don't have car payments, we don't eat at restaurants as often as many families b/c we can eat much cheaper (and healthier) at home, we never turn away hand-me-downs, we buy quality items from yard sales and consignment shops, we rarely buy items that aren't on sale or clearance...you get the idea?  We make what some people might call "sacrifices", but when I look around our home, and watch my children growing, I don't feel like we're sacrificing at all. 

4.  "You must really like being pregnant, don't you?" ...I'm going to be completely frank here.  There are parts of carrying a child that I REALLY love - like feeling Baby kicking around inside of my womb.  That has never gotten old to me!  I love feeling my older children rub their hands along my tummy and give it a hug in their anticipation for a new brother or sister.  I love the wonder and miracle of birth.  It awes me every time.  ...But, honestly, I don't enjoy the morning sickness, the migraines, the 50-60 lbs. of weight gain I typically experience, the aching back, the relentless fatigue, the swollen hands and feet, or the struggle with my prenatal and postpartum body image.  Pregnancy isn't easy for me...but it IS absolutely worth it!    

5. "Do you know what causes that?" ...We get this question ALL. THE. TIME.  I get a kick out of total strangers thinking they are being original and funny.  Gregg usually comments, "Are you asking because you honestly think we don't know...or because you need us to explain it to YOU?"  I've recently started to simply comment, "Yes...and we really enjoy it!"  I don't think we've heard a really good comeback yet.  ;)

6. "Aren't you afraid something will go terribly WRONG, especially now that you're older?" (Yes, people have actually said this to me.) ...Pregnancy and childbirth have their risks.  But, it is a very natural part of life.  I was a Biology major in college, and I know how to do my own research.  I have yet to see any convincing data that shows that a healthy woman shouldn't bear children during her child-bearing years.  The risks of "something going wrong" are there for women of all ages.  Gregg and I choose not to base life decisions on fear of what "might happen."

7. "How do you DO it?  You must have a lot of patience!" ...I never quite know how to answer this one.  It's like asking a mechanic how he rebuilds an engine, when I have hardly any idea what's even IN an engine.  He'd probably tell me he rebuilds it "one step at a time."  ...Or like asking a surgeon how he performs a quadruple bypass.  He'd probably tell me "taking one moment, one step at a time."  I guess that's how I "do" it, too.  Each day is different.  I take "one step at a time." I don't always say the right things or do the right things.  I've learned from trial and error...and just when I think I have it all figured out and I'm so proud of myself, my next child throws me a curve ball.   I was not born with enough patience...but, thankfully, I've developed more over the years.  God gives me grace...and so do my children.  It's part of being a FAMILY.  Over the years, I've been learning that there are some things more important than others.  It's been a delicate journey learning what to let go and learning what battles I must fight. 

8.  "How much do you spend on groceries?" ...This year, we have budgeted $850/month for groceries.  This does not count approximately $2000 in beef/year as we purchase our beef "by the cow." (we have a "cow" line item in our budget - how funny is that?)  Groceries include food items (of course), paper products such as toilet paper (see #9!)/paper towels/paper plates/napkins, cleaning products, and hygiene products.  (It does not include eating out, as we currently budget that separately at $150/month for our family of 11.)

9.  "How much toilet paper does your family use?" (Don't laugh - I've heard this question!)  ...I have no earthly idea! :)  It's a necessity...if it gets low, trust me, I buy more!  I absolutely do not have time to accurately document that one, but I can tell you, we have a lot of rear-ends to wipe. ;)

10. "What kind of car do you drive?" ...Our current family vehicle is a 2008 Ford F350, 15 passenger van.  Gregg drives the "little van" to work - a 2002 Chevy Venture mini-van.

11. "How many bedrooms do you have and how do you place that many kids in those rooms?" ...

       We have 4 bedrooms.  One bedroom belongs to the 5 youngest sons (ages 2-10).  Gregg designed and built a set of quintuple bunk beds for them this summer.  They LOVE them!  Our only issue has been keeping them from frolicking late into the night - it's like having a constant sleep-over with your best friends!

        Another room belongs to the 2 girls, where they share a full size bed.  The room is painted pink.  Thank heavens for some pink!  ;)  We also keep the baby's crib in this room.

        The 3rd children's room has a set of full-size bunk beds that Gregg built years ago.  Currently, our 16 yr. old claims the top bunk, and our 17 yr. old claims the bottom bunk.  The room contains things like antique records and radios...and baseball trophies. 

        And, finally, the 4th bedroom is the master bedroom - that would be ours.  :) 

***SPECIAL NOTE (in case some of you are wondering):  We have 2 bathrooms, which is usually enough.  But, let's just say that ONE advantage to having lots of boys is that they don't mind peeing OUTSIDE ;)...and the girls almost always use the master bathroom.    



12.  "Do you think you are better than other people who don't have as many children as you?" ...Ok, I'll admit, this recent question stunned me.  I'd never really considered that thought.  If we have conveyed that in some of our responses over the years, I openly apologize.  If we did, it was probably b/c we felt like you looked down on us b/c we had "so many."  We've been around the block long enough to realize that everyone is different.  We also realize that we do not know or understand everyone's circumstances or decisions.  Some people wish they had more children, but they couldn't or felt they shouldn't...some wish they didn't have as many...and some consider themselves to have planned their families just perfectly.  We don't look at a couple with 2 children (or any number of children) and think we are "better" than them.  Not everyone was created to be a teacher, or a doctor, or a musician.  By the same token, not everyone was created to have a "large family."  We're just being obedient to what God has called us to do with our lives.  It's ok to be different.  We respect you.  We expect you to respect us, too.

13. "What are you going to do about college?" ...It's called planning.  We know it's coming, at least 18 years before it actually does.  When each of the kids is around 6 weeks old, we open them an account.  We save.  If they get scholarships, guess what?  They get to use the money we've saved for them for something else. It's a good educational motivator. ;)

So, yeah, we get lots of questions...and some funny looks...and some rude comments.

But, we often get some of the sweetest compliments and sincerest questions, too.

We can appreciate and handle both.  ;)

Life is what you make of it...and HERE WE GO AGAIN! :)



 

Happy 4th Birthday To Our Little Songbird!!

Four years ago, today...I had just given birth.

Our little girl was born at home, in a tub of warm water, face up...looking right into our eyes.

 

It was one of those surreal moments I will NEVER. EVER. FORGET.

For days, we ooooo-ed and ahhhhhh-ed over her.  We found ways to attach bows to her tiny head and dressed her in lots of pink!

 



photo credit:  Storing Up Treasures Photography



Kedesh Elizabeth has continued to bring us joy and laughter.  Her smile is one of those smiles that radiates and lights up an entire room.

 

AND SHE SINGS OR TALKS NONSTOP! 

She talks to herself in the mirror while she washes her hands or brushes her hair...

She sings while she plays with her toys...

She talks to herself (or anyone who will listen) as she walks outside...

She sings as she plays on the swing...

And as she floats in the pool...

And if she is sitting at the dinner table, there is a constant little buzz of noise from her end of the table.

If she falls asleep, we suddenly realize how quiet it gets!  I'm not kidding!  (It's like the sound a house makes when the electricity goes out.  Everything shuts down and you realize the quiet is a little eerie!) 

I JUST LOVE THAT ABOUT HER!

Kedesh adores her big sister probably the most, because they are a lot alike and share a special sister-bond.

But her big brother, Caleb, is no doubt the one she runs to when she is seeking a special favor or protection from someone "being mean."  Her "Blub", as she calls him, (She couldn't say "Caleb" for years.) will always give her that sweet snack she wants, or pick her up and love on her if someone has hurt her feelings.  She has him wrapped around her little finger and she knows it!

And, Caleb...he just smiles.  He loves her to pieces. 

When Kedesh was a baby, Caleb was always the sibling who could get her to fall asleep on his chest.  He was the one who would hold her for hours while he read in the evenings.  So, they really do have a special bond.

So, today, we celebrate 4 years with our little gift - our beautiful little girl!

Happy 4th Birthday, Kedesh!  We are so glad God gave you to us!

 

 

Someone Else "Gets" Me

God always knows when I've been feeling down...misunderstood...alone. (Yes, with 9 kids, you CAN still FEEL "alone.")

He knows when I've been running around constantly...always more to do...feeling like I'm drowning...no time to stop.

He knows when I'm longing for adult conversation, mom-to-mom...longing to connect with someone who "gets" my crazy life...longing to laugh...longing to rest.

Today a friend came to visit.  She has 5 children of her own, she gets a very rare day alone, and she CHOOSES to drive 2 hours to visit with ME.

Yes...I am absolutely humbled...and beyond grateful!  God knew I needed to see her.  I think God knew she needed to see me, too.

In 18 years, we have been able to visit with each other only 3 other times.  And, today, we picked up our conversation as if we have always been together.

There was nothing extraordinary about our visit.  Chatting, walking around the yard, lunch, swinging on the front porch...a beautiful, perfect Spring day.

We walked through old memories and laughed about new ones.

We spoke of our husbands' strengths and God's perfect provisions in our lives.

My older children took care of my younger children and basically kept to themselves most of the afternoon.  I really think they sensed how much I needed this day.  The kids actually commented that I "looked like a kid in a candy store" when my friend arrived.  Was my excitement THAT obvious!?!?!  What a blessing their obedience and helpfulness was to me today!!

I didn't do laundry, or cook lunch, or sweep the floor, or pour a drink, or even change a diaper while she was here.  I just visited!  

...

I hated to see her leave.

And, after she left, I thought of a dozen things I wanted to ask about her life...and so many things I wanted to share with her about mine.  I'm hoping we can arrange another visit in the next few months.

But, I'm thanking God this evening for a special day today.

I'm thanking Him for working out all the crazy details of putting two very busy moms together for a day - with very few interruptions.

I'm thanking Him for using my friend to remind me that He is with me and He understands my desires and needs, even when I may not feel like it...

I'm thanking God for using Marcy to remind me that, although my life isn't "normal", SOMEONE ELSE ACTUALLY "GETS" ME.

Our Home Was "EGGED"!

Yesterday morning we awoke to a note taped to our front door...

What a unique reminder of our Savior and His empty tomb!

(Special Note:  Our yard didn't contain the usual 12 eggs...instead we had 3 dozen!  Guess this group of "outlaws" knew a single dozen wouldn't be enough for our 9 kiddos!)

It was a lot of fun...and we were able to talk to the littlest ones about the significance of an empty egg representing the empty tomb of Jesus.

Easter is right around the corner. It has nothing to do with bunnies...or eggs...or pink straw...or chocolate - although those things can be fun.

Easter is a celebration of our Risen Savior.

We can never be perfect on our own...but, with Jesus' death and His resurrection, we can be made perfect!

A very special thank you to our friends, who found the time to sneak around our home late one night. (Glad we didn't hear you and try to shoot you!  Lol!)

Thank you for your effort to bring joy - and a gentle reminder of God's never-ending love to our family this celebration season.

Our home was EGGED!...and we might just have to pass it on...

"Momma! Daddy! The dog pen is on FIRE!"

This past Saturday evening, March 8th, Gregg and I had just finished sending all the kids to bed, and were breathing that last sigh of "some peace and quiet and rest" when we heard Eva start screaming...

"Momma! Daddy!  The dog pen is on FIRE!!!"

I snatched up the window shade to see into the back yard, and there were flames greedily licking up the building we refer to as our toolshed and dog pen.

Taken from just outside the back door

Eva had noticed a strange glow from the side window on the house, looked out, and realized quickly what she was seeing. 

Gregg grabbed jeans, t-shirt, and shoes...

Nathan ran out wearing only his long pajama bottoms...

Caleb forgot his shoes.

I immediately called 911 and tried to calm my younger children while confining them to my bedroom. There, they frantically watched from the window until I could try to calm myself and them.

As I talked with the dispatcher, I tried to explain exactly what I was seeing, gave specific instructions the firemen might need to know upon their arrival, and frantically talked about what Gregg and the boys were doing.

I couldn't see Gregg b/c he was behind one of the other storage sheds.  Gregg was shutting off the electricity to the out buildings.  Caleb was running to the greenhouse trying to get more hoses. (He busted open his toe in the process - no shoes, remember?)  Nathan was desperately spraying the hose...and losing the battle quickly. 

At some point, Nathan ran inside and grabbed an insulated hunting suit, b/c he said the fire was just too hot for his bare skin.

Everything felt so much like a strange dream.  I was amazed at the power of the flames.

Nathan trying desperately, in vain, to spray the flames...he seemed so small...

The flames were beginning to climb nearby trees

I was scared to death that the gas cans, paint cans, or other flammable items might explode...or that the flames would turn and envelope my precious husband or my sons.

I couldn't keep my legs from shaking...and I kept asking the dispatcher "Where is the fire truck!?!?!"  When I told her it felt like it was taking forever, she said we had been on the phone just 3 minutes. 

Really?!?!  It had to have been longer than that...it sure felt like about 20 minutes already!

Once I yelled at Gregg and heard his voice, and saw both boys, I was okay.  Precious material items were burning to ash...but those things could be replaced.

Naturally, I grabbed my camera and snapped a few photos from the back door. (As a photographer, I've begun to see life in pictures, and I know that they really are "worth a thousand words.")

...Miraculously, all of the adult Beagles were able to be rescued as soon as Gregg and the boys got to the shed.  They were unable to find the puppy that had been born just a few days earlier... 

When Gregg realized how intense the fire was and how quickly it was spreading, he instructed the boys to try their best to keep the adjacent buildings as wet as possible - in hopes to keep the fire from enveloping more of our out buildings. 

The intensity of the heat shattered the glass on the door of the building to the left, and melted plastic play equipment and a trashcan inside the door of the building to Nathan's right.

Within approximately 15-20 minutes, the fire trucks arrived. (I'm not quite sure of the timing, b/c I had lost all sense of time.) 

When the fire trucks arrived, I felt SUCH RELIEF!!

Gregg and the boys stepped out of the way, and I joined my husband outside.

The firemen immediately sprayed water along the two front buildings and surrounding area, and then attacked the fire.  Within just a few minutes, the flames were diminished to smoke and ash.

It took a couple of hours to fully extinguish the fire and complete the inspections.  The structure and its contents were deemed a "total loss."

A couple of our nearest neighbors came to see what was wrong and to be sure our family was safe.

One of the main wooden beams along the left-hand adjacent building had been charred, but the fire did not enter that building or the other one.  The fire also reached a couple of the nearby trees, but there was no significant damage or spreading of the flames.

Gregg, Nathan, and Caleb had held the flames at bay until the fire department arrived.  And the firemen quickly did their job with skill and poise, keeping the damage confined as best they could.

The toolshed contained almost all of Gregg's hand tools, chain saws, lumber, plumbing supplies, etc.  And, when one of the firemen asked if there was anything of great value in the building, Gregg told him there was a hand saw that belonged to his great, great grandfather.  It had been hanging on a nail on the wall. 

I knew how hard this was for Gregg...my heart broke for him...I knew he was thinking of the heirlooms that were surely lost.

Do you know that one of the firemen went into the remains of the building with a flashlight and looked where Gregg told them the handsaw should be hanging?  There were hopes to retrieve it.

Indeed, it was still hanging on the nail.  It was on the one wall still intact after the fire...The handle was severely charred, but the initials of his great, great grandfather were still visible.   

And, although most of the tools and other items can eventually be replaced, there were several other sentimental items and heirlooms lost...things Gregg had planned to pass along to our boys one day.  Things like small knives, hand drills, and saws.

Each of the boys' tackle boxes and fishing lures we've bought them over the years...the fishing rod Gregg bought me when were dating...fishing lures that belonged to Gregg's grandfathers and were passed to him...

But, I couldn't help but think of what could've happened...

What if Eva hadn't noticed and we had all gone to sleep?  Thirty minutes could have made an enormous difference. Would the flames have reached our home?  Would the fire have burned the woods and reached other homes in the night?  Could we have lost each other in the night?

When the fire trucks finally left and the night was quiet and dark again, we told the kids that "stuff" can be replaced.  It's hard to lose things, but they don't mean anything compared to what we have in each other.

The past few days we've had more inspections and have begun sifting through the ashes for anything that could be salvaged.

The shattered glass on the door - it was double-paned

The charred beam of the nearby out building

The kids' toys - melted

All-consuming devastation

A few metal items that may be usable again

Some hand tools that are sentimental - found in the ashes 

Where we believe the fire originated...Jan's dog box was along the outside of this wall



Shelves, that once held items, burned and dumped their damaged contents below

Items literally melted or disintegrated as they hung on the walls

I was amazed at how things had been rearranged by the power of the flames
and by the water used to extinguish those flames

The flames had not reached this area when Gregg arrived at the shed,
so he was able to get our male dogs out and to safety. 
Nathan and Caleb found our 2 females trapped at opposite corners of the kennel to the right of this photo. 
They were able to free both girls before the flames consumed the rest of the building. 

Nathan found Jan at the furthest corner of the fence in this picture,
pulled up the fence and dragged her underneath.
The puppy was found along the fence 3 days later, just beyond the gate.

We are almost certain the fire was caused by a light placed inside a dog box where we were attempting to keep a mother beagle and her puppy warm for the night.  We think that somehow the light may have gotten knocked down and ignited the straw inside the box. 

Three days after the fire, we found the tiny puppy near the edge of the fence...just a few feet from where Nathan had dragged Jan, the mother, underneath the fence in order to rescue her from the flames.  There was no way for any of us to know the puppy had been there.  Jan was such a good mother...she had tried her best to bring her puppy to safety, and I couldn't help but think how desperately a mother will try to save her children.  It's truly a natural instinct.

Now, we begin the process of clean-up, rebuilding, and replacing.  Many people don't understand that it really wasn't just a makeshift shed with a few hand tools that burned up.  What was inside wouldn't really be of a lot of value to most people...

But, inside that building were the things that my husband used to make memories with our children.  Those tools were the items that he used to teach our boys how to be men...how to work with their hands, how to fix things instead of just throwing them away...

They were the tools he attached training wheels to bikes, the saws used to build tree houses, rakes used to build piles of fallen leaves into which the kids could jump....

Those items represented TIME Gregg spends with our children. 

Many of those items are things Nathan, our oldest son, has used to learn much about small engines and working with his hands.

So, it's strange not having so much as a hammer to use right now.

Please pray for us as we go about replacing the many things that can be replaced...

And praise God with us for the things we still have that simply can't be replaced - memories, time with each other, and the future.

We are so very blessed!!