You Have Been My God

“There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, ‘Thy will be done,’ and those to whom God says, in the end, ‘Thy will be done.'”  

-C.S. Lewis

 

 

It's not easy holding onto a faith that the world around you tramples upon, devalues, mocks, and misunderstands.

 

It's not easy going against the grain, being different, and always feeling the need to explain your thoughts and convictions...only to have those look back at you with blank stares or condescending gawks.

 

Sometimes...just sometimes...you want to give up.  You know deep in your gut you shouldn't think that way, but you can't seem to help it.

 

You no longer have the energy to explain your thoughts to others.  You no longer have the energy to try to defend yourself and your precious Savior. 

 

Sometimes, you want to listen to Satan's whispers of defeat and false reasonings.  There's a part of you that wants to take the path more traveled. 

 

Sometimes, you just want to be "normal."  (You don't quite know what "normal" is...but you're pretty sure you're NOT IT...)

 

Sometimes, it hits you that a homeschooling, no tv, 9-kiddo-family in a 4 BR home, that would rather go hiking than go to Disney World ANY DAY, no skirt-wearing, contemporary-worship-loving family JUST DOESN'T FIT IN ANYWHERE.

 

And then...God asks more of you.

 

...And, you're not sure you can handle it.  You're so far from perfect it makes your heart hurt.  And Satan likes to remind you often of how weird and weak you are.

 

True friends that can "hang" with your large, crazy family, for an extended time, are few and far between.

 

And, then...

 

God speaks to you. 

 

"I AM WHO I AM" (Exodus 3:14 NAS)... He is everything.  Beginning.  End.  Everything in between.  He IS.  He's always the same...forever faithful, infinitely wise, perfectly just and unconditionally loving, all-knowing, everywhere all the time.  He knows the past, present, and future...AND HE ISN'T SURPRISED BY ANY OF IT.

 

"Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men." (1 Corinthians 1:25 NAS)...We think we are so wise.  We think we can search and research and figure it all out.  God knew we'd be this way.  He KNEW we'd try to explain Him away.  Even the most educated scientists can't even explain and classify the platypus - a unique creature I'm convinced God had much fun creating, knowing we'd scratch our heads at how it doesn't seem to fit. (sorry...a little tangent there!)  This scripture reminds me that God is so much wiser than us...and so much stronger.  I'd do well to rely on HIS wisdom, and HIS strength...instead of my own.  (I am WAY TOO OFTEN prone to rely on my own.)

 

And this past week, I was in the car alone and heard a song I hadn't heard before.  (Usually, the kids keep me from hearing all the words to a song...but I was able to soak in the words and music of this one.) 

 

 

 

And, it spoke to my heart and was exactly what I've been feeling.

 

No matter how much I doubt His plans for me...

 

No matter how defeated I might feel...

 

No matter what mistakes I may make...

 

No matter how inadequate I might feel for the task at hand...

 

He's "been my God through all of it."

 

Lord, "I look back and I see You. Right now I still do. And I'm always going to."

 

Thank you for speaking to me...for giving me encouragement and strength and reassurance that YOU ARE enough.

 

Through All Of It

By Colton Dixon

 

There are days I've taken more than I can give
And there are choices that I made
That I wouldn't make again
I've had my share of laughter
Of tears and troubled times
This is has been the story of my life

 

I have won
And I have lost
I got it right sometimes
But sometimes I did not
Life's been a journey
I've seen joy, I've seen regret
Oh and You have been my God
Through all of it

 

You were there when it all came down on me
When I was blinded by my fear
And I struggled to believe
But in those unclear moments
You were the one keeping me strong
This is how my story's always gone

 

I have won
and I have lost
I got it right sometimes
But sometimes I did not
Life's been a journey
I've seen joy, I've seen regret
Oh and You have been my God
Through all of it
Through all of it

 

And this is who You are
More constant than the stars up in the sky
All these years of our lives, I
I look back and I see You
Right now I still do
And I'm always going to

 

I have won
and I have lost
I got it right sometimes
But sometimes I did not
Life's been a journey
I've seen joy
I've seen regret
Oh and You have been my God
Through all of it

Oh and You have been my God
Through all of it
Oh and You have been my God
Through all of it

 

Songwriters: REED, MOLLY E. / GLOVER, BEN

© Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
For non-commercial use only.

Data from: LyricFind

I Didn't Want to Write This, But I Wrote It Anyway

Gregg put this song into the CD player last night while we silently folded laundry together...and I realized we're both feeling it.  My precious husband has been burdened on almost every side.

The weight of the world is on his shoulders...and seemingly a new outside complaint or conflict comes every day.

He. is. worn.

And, me?

I'm worn, too.

I have this tremendous urge to tenderly gather my husband and my children together and retreat from everyone - like a mama bear gathers her cubs and retreats into the forest.

But, I know that's not God's plan for us.  We are called to be salt...and light. Retreating, like hermits, is not an option.

I'm just frustrated...disappointed...maybe I've even been disillusioned.

Maybe the world isn't good.

Maybe people really are as selfish as they seem.

Maybe no one is really "real" after all.

Maybe it doesn't even matter...

Maybe it's ME.

For the past 18 months or so, especially, I have watched a large handful of my friends experience excruciating pain and consequences - some pain brought from their own choices, and some from the choices of those they care about most, and some for reasons only God knows.

I have watched death...pain from sexual immorality...cancer...the loss of a child...the untimely loss of a spouse after childbirth...marriages ripped apart...financial messes...a church that has turned others away from God...PAIN.  Silently, I have felt others' burdens as my own.  Many have no idea that I've been screaming out to God to hold them, to heal them, to take away the pain...to teach them and to change them if needed.

I've questioned God.  I've wondered where He is in all of this.

But, I've found Him always here...always very real to me.  I can't see Him, but I know He's here, as sure as I can't see the wind but can feel it on my face.

I so rarely find Him living in those who claim to be His people.  Is it any wonder that those who don't know Christ personally have no use for us?  Most days, I don't want anything to do with "christians," either.  Why is it that we say we are "believers," but we really AREN'T?

Maybe I expect too much.  I expect others to be who they say they are.  I expect them to do what they say they will do.  I expect them to have maturity...and integrity...to admit mistakes and learn from them...to have a passion for loving others more than themselves...to be kind...to have the ability to put themselves in someone else's shoes (or at least TRY).

God is up to something (Isn't He always?)...I just hope Gregg and I can hang on.  I pray that we can be faithful...that our speech will be honest, but with a pure heart...that we can remember that our battle is against Satan and hell itself, not against others.

In God's unfathomable sovereignty, He has planned a time of rest for our little family soon.  In the next couple of months, I hope to blog about all God does. We had no idea, in the planning stages months ago, that our family would need a time of rest as desperately as we need the air we breathe.

I'm grateful.

I'm worn...but I AM grateful.  I'm anticipating a God-change in me...in my family.  I have a strong feeling that it could be a painful pruning.

There are things inside of me that need to change.  I need new passion, new knowledge, new calmness, new perspective, new laughter, new joy...and who knows what else!

I sometimes hear people comment that I have it "all together."  I'm not trying to appear humble when I say, "I do NOT have it all together."  I REALLY MEAN IT.  I've made more mistakes than I care to mention.  I get my feelings hurt, hold grudges, and complain.  I can be more selfish than anyone I know. Sometimes painful, ugly words that I'm tossing around in my head and heart, come out of my mouth...and they hurt others.  I understand I'm not perfect.  I understand that no one is perfect.

Perhaps God allows us to become worn so we can enjoy the renewal.

Perhaps He allows us to become worn so He can prune us.

In our back yard are some beautiful roses.  Each year, Gregg and my older sons prune them until they look like they are dead.  And then, with warm sunshine, leaves begin to emerge.  Before I know it, they are blooming beautifully.

I want to be like that.  

As the song says, I want to see God "mend a heart that's broken and torn"...and "all that's dead inside can be reborn."

I didn't want to write this post, Lord.  I've been avoiding it longer than I can remember.  I have no idea why I'm putting it "out there" now, except that I'm pretty sure You're telling me to write and trust.  Perhaps, I was supposed to write this to help me heal.  Perhaps, it's supposed to help my children one day. Perhaps, it's for someone else.

So...here's to being worn...and, Lord, here's to trusting in your plan.  Give our family clarity, wisdom, and strength to make changes where You want us to change.

"Create in me a clean heart, Oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.  Do not cast me away from Thy presence, and do not take Thy Holy Spirit from me.  Restore to me the joy of Thy salvation, and sustain me with a willing spirit.  Then I will teach transgressors Thy ways, and sinners will be converted to Thee." (Psalm 52:10-13)

Our Home Was "EGGED"!

Yesterday morning we awoke to a note taped to our front door...

What a unique reminder of our Savior and His empty tomb!

(Special Note:  Our yard didn't contain the usual 12 eggs...instead we had 3 dozen!  Guess this group of "outlaws" knew a single dozen wouldn't be enough for our 9 kiddos!)

It was a lot of fun...and we were able to talk to the littlest ones about the significance of an empty egg representing the empty tomb of Jesus.

Easter is right around the corner. It has nothing to do with bunnies...or eggs...or pink straw...or chocolate - although those things can be fun.

Easter is a celebration of our Risen Savior.

We can never be perfect on our own...but, with Jesus' death and His resurrection, we can be made perfect!

A very special thank you to our friends, who found the time to sneak around our home late one night. (Glad we didn't hear you and try to shoot you!  Lol!)

Thank you for your effort to bring joy - and a gentle reminder of God's never-ending love to our family this celebration season.

Our home was EGGED!...and we might just have to pass it on...

It's No Accident

Lunar Eclipse Observation 101 - Oct. 8, 2014

Kids awake by 4:15am... (No, I am not a morning person...and, yes, I got called "grumpy" by my 11 yr old. She was right, and I am not proud of this...but I did straighten out my act after being called on it. Go, Mom!)

Much excitement...(just picture a 3 yr old little girl running through the house in pink fleece footie pj's at 4am)

At one point, the "moon gazing" evolved into "star gazing", b/c the clouds kept covering the eclipse...

Part of my moon-gazing, star-gazing crew...
The outside light was on only briefly,
b/c I couldn't get my camera to take a pic in the darkness.
And, the Ritz cracker box -
this was a homemade pinhole box we made several weeks ago
to view a SOLAR eclipse.
Samuel grabbed it with excitement and thought we could view the moon with it.
Nope, little man, sorry.  You can see the moon much better with your own eyes.

So Gregg showed them Jupiter (and 1 of its moons) through the telescope.

At the time of total eclipse there was complete cloud cover, and we were very disappointed.

"We waited 2 hours for THIS?"

"Ummm...this is interesting...but highly overrated."

"Well, at least I TRIED to make school fun.  Do you understand what a big deal this is?  Even when an eclipse occurs, it's rare to be able to see it in YOUR town.  And, even then, the weather conditions have to be just right.  At least we were able to see part of it, right?" (I did well keeping my grumpiness at bay...Go, Mom!  I'm not sure they were convinced it was worth it, though.)

But...then the clouds parted for about 30 seconds! (Thank you, Lord, for answering my spoken prayer from just minutes before!)

We were able to behold the "blood moon" just after 6:30am.

Honestly, I think the kids were tired by then and less enthusiastic than I had hoped.  (and naptime will not come soon enough!)

But, we managed to grab a few photos, and we discussed the physical logistics of how an eclipse occurs.

We talked about how God does, indeed, have an order to our universe, and He gives us glimpses of this every day in "ordinary ways" and sometimes in some "not so ordinary ways."

The heavens truly behold His glory...it's no accident.

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth."

                                    Genesis 1:1

Solar System - part 2

Finished it... (well, almost...still need to repurchase the missing Uranus, paint it, and add it to the dangling wire that marks it's placement on our model)

I was hopeful the small Styrofoam ball would show up, but it hasn't.

All-in-all, I think it turned out pretty well.  The kids learned some neat things about our Solar System: 

1.  God did amazing things when he perfectly designed each planet's mass and gravitational pull to keep it in it's orbit.  And the Earth's position in our Solar System is perfectly compatible with life.  A little closer, or a little further from the sun, and we have NO LIFE. 

Could that REALLY have happened by accident?  Seriously, I don't think so.

2.  Our model is not built correctly "to scale", because it would be very difficult to do.  In reality, the sun is so much bigger than the planets...and the real distance between planets would require a much larger model.

3.  One time around the sun = 1 year.

4.  There used to be 9 planets in our Solar System.  However, in 2006, Pluto was deemed "not a planet" according to a revised definition made by the International Astronomical Union.  So, now we have 8 planets.  Yes, scientific "facts" sometimes change.  It's important to note this.  (I joked with Isaiah, who is 8 years old and very strong-willed, that his birth must have shaken the entire Universe b/c even the planets changed the year he was born!) 

5.  We can name the planets in their order according to distance from the sun.  Why does it matter?  It doesn't really, I guess...except that it helps us begin to get a sense for the beauty and wonder of the Universe.  It "sets the stage" for exploring more of God's creation.

As it turned out, it wasn't really necessary for me to be a "control freak" over the project.  Eva played that role quite well.  Maybe it's a "girl thing." ;)

positioning the sun

taking it outside to show it to Daddy



Yes, sometimes we climb on the furniture...

I really wanted to add Pluto...but, it was deemed "not a planet" in 2006.
Who knew???
Things have changed a bit since I was in school!

The Beginnings of a Solar System Model

It was the perfect day to start work on our model of the solar system.   My younger kids are all studying Astronomy this year.  Soooo much fun!  Seriously.  It's going to be great - I hope.

I admit it...I don't do well when it comes to little people and PAINT...or little people and CRAFTS for that matter.  I want to stand over them and tell them EXACTLY what to do - what colors, what brush strokes to use, what materials they need, and how we need to put it all together JUST RIGHT.

And, when it turns out not-as-neat as it could've, it stresses me out!

But, 9 kids has a way of teaching you to let go of some of the CONTROL FREAK in you.  At least I feel like I'm getting better at it. 

I'm trying.  I really am.

So, today, we went outside and started painting our sun and planets. (Outside...in our faded bathing suits...on a plastic-covered table...b/c, did I mention that I don't do well with kids and craft paint??)

Sometime between yesterday afternoon and today, we managed to lose Uranus.  Have NO IDEA how that styro ball disappeared!  One of the kids probably ate it.  We'll try to replace it the next time we make a run to the store...or maybe we'll just pretend Uranus just got catapulted out of our Solar System all together!  ;)

They managed to use an exorbitant amount of orange paint - even for a star as big as the sun.  But, hey, I love the color orange - so it's all good.

Jupiter turned out red with black stripes.  Cool.  Different...but definitely cool, right?

All in all,  they did very well - AND they had a blast.

They can even tell you where the missing Uranus is supposed to go in the order of things. 

Success. :)

Hopefully, we'll finish putting it together tomorrow.  (minus Uranus, of course) 

It's gonna be great...just wait and see!

Oh, how I LOVE Kedesh's face here!! Didn't even know
I captured that look until I was going through the photos afterwards. :)
She really did have fun - promise!



"Momma! Daddy! The dog pen is on FIRE!"

This past Saturday evening, March 8th, Gregg and I had just finished sending all the kids to bed, and were breathing that last sigh of "some peace and quiet and rest" when we heard Eva start screaming...

"Momma! Daddy!  The dog pen is on FIRE!!!"

I snatched up the window shade to see into the back yard, and there were flames greedily licking up the building we refer to as our toolshed and dog pen.

Taken from just outside the back door

Eva had noticed a strange glow from the side window on the house, looked out, and realized quickly what she was seeing. 

Gregg grabbed jeans, t-shirt, and shoes...

Nathan ran out wearing only his long pajama bottoms...

Caleb forgot his shoes.

I immediately called 911 and tried to calm my younger children while confining them to my bedroom. There, they frantically watched from the window until I could try to calm myself and them.

As I talked with the dispatcher, I tried to explain exactly what I was seeing, gave specific instructions the firemen might need to know upon their arrival, and frantically talked about what Gregg and the boys were doing.

I couldn't see Gregg b/c he was behind one of the other storage sheds.  Gregg was shutting off the electricity to the out buildings.  Caleb was running to the greenhouse trying to get more hoses. (He busted open his toe in the process - no shoes, remember?)  Nathan was desperately spraying the hose...and losing the battle quickly. 

At some point, Nathan ran inside and grabbed an insulated hunting suit, b/c he said the fire was just too hot for his bare skin.

Everything felt so much like a strange dream.  I was amazed at the power of the flames.

Nathan trying desperately, in vain, to spray the flames...he seemed so small...

The flames were beginning to climb nearby trees

I was scared to death that the gas cans, paint cans, or other flammable items might explode...or that the flames would turn and envelope my precious husband or my sons.

I couldn't keep my legs from shaking...and I kept asking the dispatcher "Where is the fire truck!?!?!"  When I told her it felt like it was taking forever, she said we had been on the phone just 3 minutes. 

Really?!?!  It had to have been longer than that...it sure felt like about 20 minutes already!

Once I yelled at Gregg and heard his voice, and saw both boys, I was okay.  Precious material items were burning to ash...but those things could be replaced.

Naturally, I grabbed my camera and snapped a few photos from the back door. (As a photographer, I've begun to see life in pictures, and I know that they really are "worth a thousand words.")

...Miraculously, all of the adult Beagles were able to be rescued as soon as Gregg and the boys got to the shed.  They were unable to find the puppy that had been born just a few days earlier... 

When Gregg realized how intense the fire was and how quickly it was spreading, he instructed the boys to try their best to keep the adjacent buildings as wet as possible - in hopes to keep the fire from enveloping more of our out buildings. 

The intensity of the heat shattered the glass on the door of the building to the left, and melted plastic play equipment and a trashcan inside the door of the building to Nathan's right.

Within approximately 15-20 minutes, the fire trucks arrived. (I'm not quite sure of the timing, b/c I had lost all sense of time.) 

When the fire trucks arrived, I felt SUCH RELIEF!!

Gregg and the boys stepped out of the way, and I joined my husband outside.

The firemen immediately sprayed water along the two front buildings and surrounding area, and then attacked the fire.  Within just a few minutes, the flames were diminished to smoke and ash.

It took a couple of hours to fully extinguish the fire and complete the inspections.  The structure and its contents were deemed a "total loss."

A couple of our nearest neighbors came to see what was wrong and to be sure our family was safe.

One of the main wooden beams along the left-hand adjacent building had been charred, but the fire did not enter that building or the other one.  The fire also reached a couple of the nearby trees, but there was no significant damage or spreading of the flames.

Gregg, Nathan, and Caleb had held the flames at bay until the fire department arrived.  And the firemen quickly did their job with skill and poise, keeping the damage confined as best they could.

The toolshed contained almost all of Gregg's hand tools, chain saws, lumber, plumbing supplies, etc.  And, when one of the firemen asked if there was anything of great value in the building, Gregg told him there was a hand saw that belonged to his great, great grandfather.  It had been hanging on a nail on the wall. 

I knew how hard this was for Gregg...my heart broke for him...I knew he was thinking of the heirlooms that were surely lost.

Do you know that one of the firemen went into the remains of the building with a flashlight and looked where Gregg told them the handsaw should be hanging?  There were hopes to retrieve it.

Indeed, it was still hanging on the nail.  It was on the one wall still intact after the fire...The handle was severely charred, but the initials of his great, great grandfather were still visible.   

And, although most of the tools and other items can eventually be replaced, there were several other sentimental items and heirlooms lost...things Gregg had planned to pass along to our boys one day.  Things like small knives, hand drills, and saws.

Each of the boys' tackle boxes and fishing lures we've bought them over the years...the fishing rod Gregg bought me when were dating...fishing lures that belonged to Gregg's grandfathers and were passed to him...

But, I couldn't help but think of what could've happened...

What if Eva hadn't noticed and we had all gone to sleep?  Thirty minutes could have made an enormous difference. Would the flames have reached our home?  Would the fire have burned the woods and reached other homes in the night?  Could we have lost each other in the night?

When the fire trucks finally left and the night was quiet and dark again, we told the kids that "stuff" can be replaced.  It's hard to lose things, but they don't mean anything compared to what we have in each other.

The past few days we've had more inspections and have begun sifting through the ashes for anything that could be salvaged.

The shattered glass on the door - it was double-paned

The charred beam of the nearby out building

The kids' toys - melted

All-consuming devastation

A few metal items that may be usable again

Some hand tools that are sentimental - found in the ashes 

Where we believe the fire originated...Jan's dog box was along the outside of this wall



Shelves, that once held items, burned and dumped their damaged contents below

Items literally melted or disintegrated as they hung on the walls

I was amazed at how things had been rearranged by the power of the flames
and by the water used to extinguish those flames

The flames had not reached this area when Gregg arrived at the shed,
so he was able to get our male dogs out and to safety. 
Nathan and Caleb found our 2 females trapped at opposite corners of the kennel to the right of this photo. 
They were able to free both girls before the flames consumed the rest of the building. 

Nathan found Jan at the furthest corner of the fence in this picture,
pulled up the fence and dragged her underneath.
The puppy was found along the fence 3 days later, just beyond the gate.

We are almost certain the fire was caused by a light placed inside a dog box where we were attempting to keep a mother beagle and her puppy warm for the night.  We think that somehow the light may have gotten knocked down and ignited the straw inside the box. 

Three days after the fire, we found the tiny puppy near the edge of the fence...just a few feet from where Nathan had dragged Jan, the mother, underneath the fence in order to rescue her from the flames.  There was no way for any of us to know the puppy had been there.  Jan was such a good mother...she had tried her best to bring her puppy to safety, and I couldn't help but think how desperately a mother will try to save her children.  It's truly a natural instinct.

Now, we begin the process of clean-up, rebuilding, and replacing.  Many people don't understand that it really wasn't just a makeshift shed with a few hand tools that burned up.  What was inside wouldn't really be of a lot of value to most people...

But, inside that building were the things that my husband used to make memories with our children.  Those tools were the items that he used to teach our boys how to be men...how to work with their hands, how to fix things instead of just throwing them away...

They were the tools he attached training wheels to bikes, the saws used to build tree houses, rakes used to build piles of fallen leaves into which the kids could jump....

Those items represented TIME Gregg spends with our children. 

Many of those items are things Nathan, our oldest son, has used to learn much about small engines and working with his hands.

So, it's strange not having so much as a hammer to use right now.

Please pray for us as we go about replacing the many things that can be replaced...

And praise God with us for the things we still have that simply can't be replaced - memories, time with each other, and the future.

We are so very blessed!!