It's Not Quite Like I Thought It'd Be

Today, my firstborn turns 18.

Eighteen years ago I was struggling with preeclampsia - my feet, hands, face, and abdomen were swollen beyond anything I had ever imagined.  After a protein urine test over the weekend and a doctor visit on Monday afternoon, it was determined that the little boy growing inside of my womb needed to be born immediately.

And, just like that...I was officially thrust into motherhood.

I had a lot to learn...but I knew that God had created me to be a mother.  He had given me this child to nurture, to teach, to prepare for the world.

...Then came sleepless nights...and I thought, "I can't wait until he sleeps through the night!"

...And then came toddlerhood...and I thought, "I can't wait until he learns to go potty...and dress himself...and feed himself!"

...Then there was preschool...and I thought, "I can't wait until he learns to read and write!"

...Early school days came and went in a flurry of commotion...and I thought, "I'll be so glad when I get him to the point where he wants to learn independently!"

...He turned 15...and I thought, "Yay, now he can drive!"

...Along the way, he began to learn to pull a man's load of work around our home and in our community...and I thought, "I'll be glad when he decides on a college to attend and chooses just the right career for himself!"

And, now...he's 18.

High school graduation is near...our school days as teacher-parent and pupil-child are almost over.

He sleeps through the night, goes to the potty and dresses himself, reads and writes, learns independently, drives his own car, and has decided on a college to attend.

He has grown to be a young man that fills me with pride.

He has big plans for his future.

...And they don't all include mom and dad.

All these things I "couldn't wait" to happen...have happened.

My firstborn son is now officially a grown man.

When I held Nathan in my arms for the first time (all 5 lb. 13 ozs. of him), I never imagined I could love him more.  As the years have flown by, I have found that I love him with a greater intensity than I ever imagined. 

There are emotions that only a mother understands - a teetering between wishing he were little again, and yet, enjoying what he has become. 

Today, I admit, I'm sad.  I'm sad for the times I know I messed up and didn't truly cherish the moments.  I'm sad that his hugs are a little different.  And that there are no child-like snuggles or bedtime stories now.  I'm sad that he no longer depends on me. 

Years ago...as I was constantly waiting for the next stage, it was hard to enjoy the moments at hand.

I thought I'd be GLAD when he was finally 18. 

...But, somehow, it's not quite like I thought it'd be...

Praise God for Angiosperms!

"Praise God for angiosperms!  Not only do they provide our lives with essential things we need to survive on this earth, they are also beautiful to behold."  (Exploring Creation with Botany by Jeannie K. Fulbright)

What are angiosperms, you ask?  Flowering plants, of course!  :)

Have you ever thought about how many flowering plants you come in contact with every single day?

Or better yet...all the products that come from flowering plants?

Roses, sunflowers, mums, and lots of other beautiful flowers we enjoy indoors and outdoors are all obvious angiosperms.

But what about fruits, veggies, wheat, oats, corn, rice, honey, sugar? ...Most of what we eat wouldn't be here!

But, we could eat meat, right? 

WRONG!  Most of the meat we eat (chicken, pork, beef, wild game) rely on angiosperms to live and grow...so our meat wouldn't exist without flowering plants. 

We could probably eat fish...but all the time?  That would get pretty boring!

How about cotton in our t-shirts, undies, and bed sheets?  Nope...not without flowering plants.  (*side note:  If you've never seen blossoms on a cotton plant, you are missing out!  They come in the prettiest shades of pinks and yellows!)

You get the picture? 

My kids were pretty good at recognizing the benefits of flowering plants in our discussion today - probably because they get to help garden a little in the summers. 

...And, they know their momma absolutely LOVES flowers - that totally makes them important, right? :)

So...for our Botany lesson today, we performed a flower dissection on a rose from the back yard.

Truth be told, sometimes our little Science labs wind up being a crazy headache, especially with the little ones...but, today, I still have enough sanity to want to write about it, which means everyone was interested enough to be attentive - SUCCESS!  ;)

(I DID have to steer our conversation back to flowers after Silas, my 5 year old, asked if he could go "kill a frog so we could dissect that" instead! ..."Ummmm, no, Big, we don't get to do that in Botany - that has to wait until Biology." )

Today, during our flower dissection, we started learning about how flowers make seeds...and that's important in learning about a whole lot of other things to come (pollination, seed dispersal, fruits)!

After our work, I sent them outside to soak up some much-needed SUNSHINE (it's been raining for a week here, but the sun finally peeked through today!)...and I encouraged them to look around them while they played, and to try not to take things around us for granted...

..and to "Praise God for angiosperms!"

Happy 4th Birthday To Our Little Songbird!!

Four years ago, today...I had just given birth.

Our little girl was born at home, in a tub of warm water, face up...looking right into our eyes.

 

It was one of those surreal moments I will NEVER. EVER. FORGET.

For days, we ooooo-ed and ahhhhhh-ed over her.  We found ways to attach bows to her tiny head and dressed her in lots of pink!

 



photo credit:  Storing Up Treasures Photography



Kedesh Elizabeth has continued to bring us joy and laughter.  Her smile is one of those smiles that radiates and lights up an entire room.

 

AND SHE SINGS OR TALKS NONSTOP! 

She talks to herself in the mirror while she washes her hands or brushes her hair...

She sings while she plays with her toys...

She talks to herself (or anyone who will listen) as she walks outside...

She sings as she plays on the swing...

And as she floats in the pool...

And if she is sitting at the dinner table, there is a constant little buzz of noise from her end of the table.

If she falls asleep, we suddenly realize how quiet it gets!  I'm not kidding!  (It's like the sound a house makes when the electricity goes out.  Everything shuts down and you realize the quiet is a little eerie!) 

I JUST LOVE THAT ABOUT HER!

Kedesh adores her big sister probably the most, because they are a lot alike and share a special sister-bond.

But her big brother, Caleb, is no doubt the one she runs to when she is seeking a special favor or protection from someone "being mean."  Her "Blub", as she calls him, (She couldn't say "Caleb" for years.) will always give her that sweet snack she wants, or pick her up and love on her if someone has hurt her feelings.  She has him wrapped around her little finger and she knows it!

And, Caleb...he just smiles.  He loves her to pieces. 

When Kedesh was a baby, Caleb was always the sibling who could get her to fall asleep on his chest.  He was the one who would hold her for hours while he read in the evenings.  So, they really do have a special bond.

So, today, we celebrate 4 years with our little gift - our beautiful little girl!

Happy 4th Birthday, Kedesh!  We are so glad God gave you to us!

 

 

You Have Been My God

“There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, ‘Thy will be done,’ and those to whom God says, in the end, ‘Thy will be done.'”  

-C.S. Lewis

 

 

It's not easy holding onto a faith that the world around you tramples upon, devalues, mocks, and misunderstands.

 

It's not easy going against the grain, being different, and always feeling the need to explain your thoughts and convictions...only to have those look back at you with blank stares or condescending gawks.

 

Sometimes...just sometimes...you want to give up.  You know deep in your gut you shouldn't think that way, but you can't seem to help it.

 

You no longer have the energy to explain your thoughts to others.  You no longer have the energy to try to defend yourself and your precious Savior. 

 

Sometimes, you want to listen to Satan's whispers of defeat and false reasonings.  There's a part of you that wants to take the path more traveled. 

 

Sometimes, you just want to be "normal."  (You don't quite know what "normal" is...but you're pretty sure you're NOT IT...)

 

Sometimes, it hits you that a homeschooling, no tv, 9-kiddo-family in a 4 BR home, that would rather go hiking than go to Disney World ANY DAY, no skirt-wearing, contemporary-worship-loving family JUST DOESN'T FIT IN ANYWHERE.

 

And then...God asks more of you.

 

...And, you're not sure you can handle it.  You're so far from perfect it makes your heart hurt.  And Satan likes to remind you often of how weird and weak you are.

 

True friends that can "hang" with your large, crazy family, for an extended time, are few and far between.

 

And, then...

 

God speaks to you. 

 

"I AM WHO I AM" (Exodus 3:14 NAS)... He is everything.  Beginning.  End.  Everything in between.  He IS.  He's always the same...forever faithful, infinitely wise, perfectly just and unconditionally loving, all-knowing, everywhere all the time.  He knows the past, present, and future...AND HE ISN'T SURPRISED BY ANY OF IT.

 

"Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men." (1 Corinthians 1:25 NAS)...We think we are so wise.  We think we can search and research and figure it all out.  God knew we'd be this way.  He KNEW we'd try to explain Him away.  Even the most educated scientists can't even explain and classify the platypus - a unique creature I'm convinced God had much fun creating, knowing we'd scratch our heads at how it doesn't seem to fit. (sorry...a little tangent there!)  This scripture reminds me that God is so much wiser than us...and so much stronger.  I'd do well to rely on HIS wisdom, and HIS strength...instead of my own.  (I am WAY TOO OFTEN prone to rely on my own.)

 

And this past week, I was in the car alone and heard a song I hadn't heard before.  (Usually, the kids keep me from hearing all the words to a song...but I was able to soak in the words and music of this one.) 

 

 

 

And, it spoke to my heart and was exactly what I've been feeling.

 

No matter how much I doubt His plans for me...

 

No matter how defeated I might feel...

 

No matter what mistakes I may make...

 

No matter how inadequate I might feel for the task at hand...

 

He's "been my God through all of it."

 

Lord, "I look back and I see You. Right now I still do. And I'm always going to."

 

Thank you for speaking to me...for giving me encouragement and strength and reassurance that YOU ARE enough.

 

Through All Of It

By Colton Dixon

 

There are days I've taken more than I can give
And there are choices that I made
That I wouldn't make again
I've had my share of laughter
Of tears and troubled times
This is has been the story of my life

 

I have won
And I have lost
I got it right sometimes
But sometimes I did not
Life's been a journey
I've seen joy, I've seen regret
Oh and You have been my God
Through all of it

 

You were there when it all came down on me
When I was blinded by my fear
And I struggled to believe
But in those unclear moments
You were the one keeping me strong
This is how my story's always gone

 

I have won
and I have lost
I got it right sometimes
But sometimes I did not
Life's been a journey
I've seen joy, I've seen regret
Oh and You have been my God
Through all of it
Through all of it

 

And this is who You are
More constant than the stars up in the sky
All these years of our lives, I
I look back and I see You
Right now I still do
And I'm always going to

 

I have won
and I have lost
I got it right sometimes
But sometimes I did not
Life's been a journey
I've seen joy
I've seen regret
Oh and You have been my God
Through all of it

Oh and You have been my God
Through all of it
Oh and You have been my God
Through all of it

 

Songwriters: REED, MOLLY E. / GLOVER, BEN

© Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
For non-commercial use only.

Data from: LyricFind

HAPPY 18TH ANNIVERSARY TO US!

Eighteen years ago YESTERDAY we said, "I do." 

Seems like not that long ago we were counting down the months...then the days...then, quite literally, the hours...

photo credit: Larkin Corley

Until we would be together in front of family and friends.  

We could hardly wait to make a lifetime commitment to one another!!

photo credit:  Larkin Corley

photo credit:  Larkin Corley

Eighteen years have passed...

11 children (9 Earthly and 2 Heavenly) have been added to our oneness...

Lots of laughter...

Our share of tears...

Arguments...

Compromise...

Security...

Learning from mistakes...

An unshakable commitment...

Love. 

God has helped us make our house a home, and I wouldn't trade my life for the whole world.

I love this man more today than I have ever loved him.  

I know this kind of love and commitment is rare in our world today.  So, I don't take it for granted.

Our prayer, for our children, is that they would experience the same kind of love one day. 

To my precious husband - you are mine, and I am yours.

HAPPY 18TH ANNIVERSARY TO US (1 day late)!  

I Didn't Want to Write This, But I Wrote It Anyway

Gregg put this song into the CD player last night while we silently folded laundry together...and I realized we're both feeling it.  My precious husband has been burdened on almost every side.

The weight of the world is on his shoulders...and seemingly a new outside complaint or conflict comes every day.

He. is. worn.

And, me?

I'm worn, too.

I have this tremendous urge to tenderly gather my husband and my children together and retreat from everyone - like a mama bear gathers her cubs and retreats into the forest.

But, I know that's not God's plan for us.  We are called to be salt...and light. Retreating, like hermits, is not an option.

I'm just frustrated...disappointed...maybe I've even been disillusioned.

Maybe the world isn't good.

Maybe people really are as selfish as they seem.

Maybe no one is really "real" after all.

Maybe it doesn't even matter...

Maybe it's ME.

For the past 18 months or so, especially, I have watched a large handful of my friends experience excruciating pain and consequences - some pain brought from their own choices, and some from the choices of those they care about most, and some for reasons only God knows.

I have watched death...pain from sexual immorality...cancer...the loss of a child...the untimely loss of a spouse after childbirth...marriages ripped apart...financial messes...a church that has turned others away from God...PAIN.  Silently, I have felt others' burdens as my own.  Many have no idea that I've been screaming out to God to hold them, to heal them, to take away the pain...to teach them and to change them if needed.

I've questioned God.  I've wondered where He is in all of this.

But, I've found Him always here...always very real to me.  I can't see Him, but I know He's here, as sure as I can't see the wind but can feel it on my face.

I so rarely find Him living in those who claim to be His people.  Is it any wonder that those who don't know Christ personally have no use for us?  Most days, I don't want anything to do with "christians," either.  Why is it that we say we are "believers," but we really AREN'T?

Maybe I expect too much.  I expect others to be who they say they are.  I expect them to do what they say they will do.  I expect them to have maturity...and integrity...to admit mistakes and learn from them...to have a passion for loving others more than themselves...to be kind...to have the ability to put themselves in someone else's shoes (or at least TRY).

God is up to something (Isn't He always?)...I just hope Gregg and I can hang on.  I pray that we can be faithful...that our speech will be honest, but with a pure heart...that we can remember that our battle is against Satan and hell itself, not against others.

In God's unfathomable sovereignty, He has planned a time of rest for our little family soon.  In the next couple of months, I hope to blog about all God does. We had no idea, in the planning stages months ago, that our family would need a time of rest as desperately as we need the air we breathe.

I'm grateful.

I'm worn...but I AM grateful.  I'm anticipating a God-change in me...in my family.  I have a strong feeling that it could be a painful pruning.

There are things inside of me that need to change.  I need new passion, new knowledge, new calmness, new perspective, new laughter, new joy...and who knows what else!

I sometimes hear people comment that I have it "all together."  I'm not trying to appear humble when I say, "I do NOT have it all together."  I REALLY MEAN IT.  I've made more mistakes than I care to mention.  I get my feelings hurt, hold grudges, and complain.  I can be more selfish than anyone I know. Sometimes painful, ugly words that I'm tossing around in my head and heart, come out of my mouth...and they hurt others.  I understand I'm not perfect.  I understand that no one is perfect.

Perhaps God allows us to become worn so we can enjoy the renewal.

Perhaps He allows us to become worn so He can prune us.

In our back yard are some beautiful roses.  Each year, Gregg and my older sons prune them until they look like they are dead.  And then, with warm sunshine, leaves begin to emerge.  Before I know it, they are blooming beautifully.

I want to be like that.  

As the song says, I want to see God "mend a heart that's broken and torn"...and "all that's dead inside can be reborn."

I didn't want to write this post, Lord.  I've been avoiding it longer than I can remember.  I have no idea why I'm putting it "out there" now, except that I'm pretty sure You're telling me to write and trust.  Perhaps, I was supposed to write this to help me heal.  Perhaps, it's supposed to help my children one day. Perhaps, it's for someone else.

So...here's to being worn...and, Lord, here's to trusting in your plan.  Give our family clarity, wisdom, and strength to make changes where You want us to change.

"Create in me a clean heart, Oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.  Do not cast me away from Thy presence, and do not take Thy Holy Spirit from me.  Restore to me the joy of Thy salvation, and sustain me with a willing spirit.  Then I will teach transgressors Thy ways, and sinners will be converted to Thee." (Psalm 52:10-13)

Someone Else "Gets" Me

God always knows when I've been feeling down...misunderstood...alone. (Yes, with 9 kids, you CAN still FEEL "alone.")

He knows when I've been running around constantly...always more to do...feeling like I'm drowning...no time to stop.

He knows when I'm longing for adult conversation, mom-to-mom...longing to connect with someone who "gets" my crazy life...longing to laugh...longing to rest.

Today a friend came to visit.  She has 5 children of her own, she gets a very rare day alone, and she CHOOSES to drive 2 hours to visit with ME.

Yes...I am absolutely humbled...and beyond grateful!  God knew I needed to see her.  I think God knew she needed to see me, too.

In 18 years, we have been able to visit with each other only 3 other times.  And, today, we picked up our conversation as if we have always been together.

There was nothing extraordinary about our visit.  Chatting, walking around the yard, lunch, swinging on the front porch...a beautiful, perfect Spring day.

We walked through old memories and laughed about new ones.

We spoke of our husbands' strengths and God's perfect provisions in our lives.

My older children took care of my younger children and basically kept to themselves most of the afternoon.  I really think they sensed how much I needed this day.  The kids actually commented that I "looked like a kid in a candy store" when my friend arrived.  Was my excitement THAT obvious!?!?!  What a blessing their obedience and helpfulness was to me today!!

I didn't do laundry, or cook lunch, or sweep the floor, or pour a drink, or even change a diaper while she was here.  I just visited!  

...

I hated to see her leave.

And, after she left, I thought of a dozen things I wanted to ask about her life...and so many things I wanted to share with her about mine.  I'm hoping we can arrange another visit in the next few months.

But, I'm thanking God this evening for a special day today.

I'm thanking Him for working out all the crazy details of putting two very busy moms together for a day - with very few interruptions.

I'm thanking Him for using my friend to remind me that He is with me and He understands my desires and needs, even when I may not feel like it...

I'm thanking God for using Marcy to remind me that, although my life isn't "normal", SOMEONE ELSE ACTUALLY "GETS" ME.

Our Home Was "EGGED"!

Yesterday morning we awoke to a note taped to our front door...

What a unique reminder of our Savior and His empty tomb!

(Special Note:  Our yard didn't contain the usual 12 eggs...instead we had 3 dozen!  Guess this group of "outlaws" knew a single dozen wouldn't be enough for our 9 kiddos!)

It was a lot of fun...and we were able to talk to the littlest ones about the significance of an empty egg representing the empty tomb of Jesus.

Easter is right around the corner. It has nothing to do with bunnies...or eggs...or pink straw...or chocolate - although those things can be fun.

Easter is a celebration of our Risen Savior.

We can never be perfect on our own...but, with Jesus' death and His resurrection, we can be made perfect!

A very special thank you to our friends, who found the time to sneak around our home late one night. (Glad we didn't hear you and try to shoot you!  Lol!)

Thank you for your effort to bring joy - and a gentle reminder of God's never-ending love to our family this celebration season.

Our home was EGGED!...and we might just have to pass it on...