It's Not Quite Like I Thought It'd Be

Today, my firstborn turns 18.

Eighteen years ago I was struggling with preeclampsia - my feet, hands, face, and abdomen were swollen beyond anything I had ever imagined.  After a protein urine test over the weekend and a doctor visit on Monday afternoon, it was determined that the little boy growing inside of my womb needed to be born immediately.

And, just like that...I was officially thrust into motherhood.

I had a lot to learn...but I knew that God had created me to be a mother.  He had given me this child to nurture, to teach, to prepare for the world.

...Then came sleepless nights...and I thought, "I can't wait until he sleeps through the night!"

...And then came toddlerhood...and I thought, "I can't wait until he learns to go potty...and dress himself...and feed himself!"

...Then there was preschool...and I thought, "I can't wait until he learns to read and write!"

...Early school days came and went in a flurry of commotion...and I thought, "I'll be so glad when I get him to the point where he wants to learn independently!"

...He turned 15...and I thought, "Yay, now he can drive!"

...Along the way, he began to learn to pull a man's load of work around our home and in our community...and I thought, "I'll be glad when he decides on a college to attend and chooses just the right career for himself!"

And, now...he's 18.

High school graduation is near...our school days as teacher-parent and pupil-child are almost over.

He sleeps through the night, goes to the potty and dresses himself, reads and writes, learns independently, drives his own car, and has decided on a college to attend.

He has grown to be a young man that fills me with pride.

He has big plans for his future.

...And they don't all include mom and dad.

All these things I "couldn't wait" to happen...have happened.

My firstborn son is now officially a grown man.

When I held Nathan in my arms for the first time (all 5 lb. 13 ozs. of him), I never imagined I could love him more.  As the years have flown by, I have found that I love him with a greater intensity than I ever imagined. 

There are emotions that only a mother understands - a teetering between wishing he were little again, and yet, enjoying what he has become. 

Today, I admit, I'm sad.  I'm sad for the times I know I messed up and didn't truly cherish the moments.  I'm sad that his hugs are a little different.  And that there are no child-like snuggles or bedtime stories now.  I'm sad that he no longer depends on me. 

Years ago...as I was constantly waiting for the next stage, it was hard to enjoy the moments at hand.

I thought I'd be GLAD when he was finally 18. 

...But, somehow, it's not quite like I thought it'd be...

HERE WE GO AGAIN!!

Officially announcing the newest little member of our family...

Currently 20 weeks and counting...EDD 2.19.15.  Maybe a Valentine's Baby??

We are always getting questions, and honestly, I really do love when people genuinely are curious and want to know about our family and what makes us tick.   I realize that our family is unique - isn't every family??  My family is my favorite thing to talk about!   Unfortunately, it's the condescending questions that leave me feeling misunderstood and hurt.  So...to make this post more fun, here are a few questions we have heard...and the answers we might have given (in no particular order).

1.  "Are you excited?" ...Yes, of course we're excited!  The kids can't wait to add another sibling to our sometimes crazy chaos.  It's the stuff that makes life fun and full of love and laughter!  Besides, how many kids get to grow up having "real, live baby dolls"?  (Forget those Toys R Us versions that only give a weak cry and pretend to wet their diaper - this is much more fun! ;) )

2.  "How many are you going to HAVE?" or "Are you going to have any MORE?"  ...Hey, when you already have 9 kiddos running around, that's a valid question - I totally get it.  For the record, we plan to have as many as God wants us to have.  No, we don't use birth control, ovulation kits, or natural family planning.  We realize that we are blessed we don't have to use those things.  We trust that God, the Creator of everything - from the Universe to the mitochondria in each tiny living cell -   knows best. 

3.  "How do you AFFORD all those kids?" ...Well, Gregg has a wonderful job that he loves with a very good company, making a good salary.  But, we have basic cell phones without internet, we don't have cable television, we don't have car payments, we don't eat at restaurants as often as many families b/c we can eat much cheaper (and healthier) at home, we never turn away hand-me-downs, we buy quality items from yard sales and consignment shops, we rarely buy items that aren't on sale or clearance...you get the idea?  We make what some people might call "sacrifices", but when I look around our home, and watch my children growing, I don't feel like we're sacrificing at all. 

4.  "You must really like being pregnant, don't you?" ...I'm going to be completely frank here.  There are parts of carrying a child that I REALLY love - like feeling Baby kicking around inside of my womb.  That has never gotten old to me!  I love feeling my older children rub their hands along my tummy and give it a hug in their anticipation for a new brother or sister.  I love the wonder and miracle of birth.  It awes me every time.  ...But, honestly, I don't enjoy the morning sickness, the migraines, the 50-60 lbs. of weight gain I typically experience, the aching back, the relentless fatigue, the swollen hands and feet, or the struggle with my prenatal and postpartum body image.  Pregnancy isn't easy for me...but it IS absolutely worth it!    

5. "Do you know what causes that?" ...We get this question ALL. THE. TIME.  I get a kick out of total strangers thinking they are being original and funny.  Gregg usually comments, "Are you asking because you honestly think we don't know...or because you need us to explain it to YOU?"  I've recently started to simply comment, "Yes...and we really enjoy it!"  I don't think we've heard a really good comeback yet.  ;)

6. "Aren't you afraid something will go terribly WRONG, especially now that you're older?" (Yes, people have actually said this to me.) ...Pregnancy and childbirth have their risks.  But, it is a very natural part of life.  I was a Biology major in college, and I know how to do my own research.  I have yet to see any convincing data that shows that a healthy woman shouldn't bear children during her child-bearing years.  The risks of "something going wrong" are there for women of all ages.  Gregg and I choose not to base life decisions on fear of what "might happen."

7. "How do you DO it?  You must have a lot of patience!" ...I never quite know how to answer this one.  It's like asking a mechanic how he rebuilds an engine, when I have hardly any idea what's even IN an engine.  He'd probably tell me he rebuilds it "one step at a time."  ...Or like asking a surgeon how he performs a quadruple bypass.  He'd probably tell me "taking one moment, one step at a time."  I guess that's how I "do" it, too.  Each day is different.  I take "one step at a time." I don't always say the right things or do the right things.  I've learned from trial and error...and just when I think I have it all figured out and I'm so proud of myself, my next child throws me a curve ball.   I was not born with enough patience...but, thankfully, I've developed more over the years.  God gives me grace...and so do my children.  It's part of being a FAMILY.  Over the years, I've been learning that there are some things more important than others.  It's been a delicate journey learning what to let go and learning what battles I must fight. 

8.  "How much do you spend on groceries?" ...This year, we have budgeted $850/month for groceries.  This does not count approximately $2000 in beef/year as we purchase our beef "by the cow." (we have a "cow" line item in our budget - how funny is that?)  Groceries include food items (of course), paper products such as toilet paper (see #9!)/paper towels/paper plates/napkins, cleaning products, and hygiene products.  (It does not include eating out, as we currently budget that separately at $150/month for our family of 11.)

9.  "How much toilet paper does your family use?" (Don't laugh - I've heard this question!)  ...I have no earthly idea! :)  It's a necessity...if it gets low, trust me, I buy more!  I absolutely do not have time to accurately document that one, but I can tell you, we have a lot of rear-ends to wipe. ;)

10. "What kind of car do you drive?" ...Our current family vehicle is a 2008 Ford F350, 15 passenger van.  Gregg drives the "little van" to work - a 2002 Chevy Venture mini-van.

11. "How many bedrooms do you have and how do you place that many kids in those rooms?" ...

       We have 4 bedrooms.  One bedroom belongs to the 5 youngest sons (ages 2-10).  Gregg designed and built a set of quintuple bunk beds for them this summer.  They LOVE them!  Our only issue has been keeping them from frolicking late into the night - it's like having a constant sleep-over with your best friends!

        Another room belongs to the 2 girls, where they share a full size bed.  The room is painted pink.  Thank heavens for some pink!  ;)  We also keep the baby's crib in this room.

        The 3rd children's room has a set of full-size bunk beds that Gregg built years ago.  Currently, our 16 yr. old claims the top bunk, and our 17 yr. old claims the bottom bunk.  The room contains things like antique records and radios...and baseball trophies. 

        And, finally, the 4th bedroom is the master bedroom - that would be ours.  :) 

***SPECIAL NOTE (in case some of you are wondering):  We have 2 bathrooms, which is usually enough.  But, let's just say that ONE advantage to having lots of boys is that they don't mind peeing OUTSIDE ;)...and the girls almost always use the master bathroom.    



12.  "Do you think you are better than other people who don't have as many children as you?" ...Ok, I'll admit, this recent question stunned me.  I'd never really considered that thought.  If we have conveyed that in some of our responses over the years, I openly apologize.  If we did, it was probably b/c we felt like you looked down on us b/c we had "so many."  We've been around the block long enough to realize that everyone is different.  We also realize that we do not know or understand everyone's circumstances or decisions.  Some people wish they had more children, but they couldn't or felt they shouldn't...some wish they didn't have as many...and some consider themselves to have planned their families just perfectly.  We don't look at a couple with 2 children (or any number of children) and think we are "better" than them.  Not everyone was created to be a teacher, or a doctor, or a musician.  By the same token, not everyone was created to have a "large family."  We're just being obedient to what God has called us to do with our lives.  It's ok to be different.  We respect you.  We expect you to respect us, too.

13. "What are you going to do about college?" ...It's called planning.  We know it's coming, at least 18 years before it actually does.  When each of the kids is around 6 weeks old, we open them an account.  We save.  If they get scholarships, guess what?  They get to use the money we've saved for them for something else. It's a good educational motivator. ;)

So, yeah, we get lots of questions...and some funny looks...and some rude comments.

But, we often get some of the sweetest compliments and sincerest questions, too.

We can appreciate and handle both.  ;)

Life is what you make of it...and HERE WE GO AGAIN! :)



 

Happy 4th Birthday To Our Little Songbird!!

Four years ago, today...I had just given birth.

Our little girl was born at home, in a tub of warm water, face up...looking right into our eyes.

 

It was one of those surreal moments I will NEVER. EVER. FORGET.

For days, we ooooo-ed and ahhhhhh-ed over her.  We found ways to attach bows to her tiny head and dressed her in lots of pink!

 



photo credit:  Storing Up Treasures Photography



Kedesh Elizabeth has continued to bring us joy and laughter.  Her smile is one of those smiles that radiates and lights up an entire room.

 

AND SHE SINGS OR TALKS NONSTOP! 

She talks to herself in the mirror while she washes her hands or brushes her hair...

She sings while she plays with her toys...

She talks to herself (or anyone who will listen) as she walks outside...

She sings as she plays on the swing...

And as she floats in the pool...

And if she is sitting at the dinner table, there is a constant little buzz of noise from her end of the table.

If she falls asleep, we suddenly realize how quiet it gets!  I'm not kidding!  (It's like the sound a house makes when the electricity goes out.  Everything shuts down and you realize the quiet is a little eerie!) 

I JUST LOVE THAT ABOUT HER!

Kedesh adores her big sister probably the most, because they are a lot alike and share a special sister-bond.

But her big brother, Caleb, is no doubt the one she runs to when she is seeking a special favor or protection from someone "being mean."  Her "Blub", as she calls him, (She couldn't say "Caleb" for years.) will always give her that sweet snack she wants, or pick her up and love on her if someone has hurt her feelings.  She has him wrapped around her little finger and she knows it!

And, Caleb...he just smiles.  He loves her to pieces. 

When Kedesh was a baby, Caleb was always the sibling who could get her to fall asleep on his chest.  He was the one who would hold her for hours while he read in the evenings.  So, they really do have a special bond.

So, today, we celebrate 4 years with our little gift - our beautiful little girl!

Happy 4th Birthday, Kedesh!  We are so glad God gave you to us!

 

 

A Simple Birthday

Four years ago, today, we were blessed with this little guy.

 

Officially, he was the 7th child born to our family.   

These days, he doesn't like for us to call him "little." 

His favorite shirt is a red, size 3T t-shirt that says "BIG GUY" across the front, and if you ask him his nickname...he'll simply say "Big."

He has a smile that lights up any room, he gives the best hugs, loves dessert, eats his broccoli so he can be strong, runs like the wind, and is just learning to play baseball like his big brothers.

We've also discovered that he is our first "lefty" child.   :)

When he was born, his gift from his siblings was a beautiful little baseball glove - for a right hander...we could hardly wait for him to be big enough to use it.  (Who knew??)

So, today, for his birthday, he received his own "Lefty" baseball glove.

 

 

...And some chocolate!

 

 

As is our usual birthday custom, Daddy took the day off work to celebrate.  We all really love it when Daddy is home...AND we got the day off school!  Win-Win!

 

The birthday person always gets to choose a place to go out to eat...And Silas also wanted to "go to the mountains."

 

So, we took a few hours, drove a little near the Blue Ridge Parkway (the Parkway was closed, so we had to miss going through the tunnels - Boo-hoo!), then we went to one of our favorite spots for pizza.

 

 

Mom-of-the-year that I am, I didn't think about baking a cake until late last night.  And, let's just say it wasn't going to happen.  I refused to stress...I'm learning that a stressed, grumpy momma just ruins everything.  (Don't ask me how I know.)

So, on the way home today, we grabbed a small cake from the local grocery store, a container of ice cream, and had a simple dessert at home.

 

Nothing fancy...just a simple little birthday for a precious little BIG 4-year-old.

Silas, you add so much to our family - those smiles, those hugs, those twinkly eyes, those spunky little comments, and your desire to be "BIG" in so many ways.  Thank you for not caring that we bought your cake and ice cream on the way home...and for being so simple and easy to please. 

Happy Birthday, Big!  We love you so much!!

THAT MOMENT...

Every mother has a story to tell.

The story of when she first met her child face-to-face. 

Whether she is describing giving physical birth to a biological child...

Or laying her eyes, for the first time, on the child she will one day adopt...

She has become a mother.

And she has a miracle to share.

I've experienced 9 such miracles...all very different...all etched in my memory like so many beautiful, priceless pearls.

Today, I share my most recent miracle story...

The birth of my son, John Abram.

John - meaning "God has been gracious"
Abram - meaning "Father is exalted"

Like many mothers, I had been waiting - not so patiently - for the pending arrival of this newest little bundle.  Restless nights and a waddling gait indicated that it really couldn't be much longer...

On the evening of December 3rd, I found myself more restless than usual.  Although I had apparently stopped my "nesting" tendencies a few weeks prior, that night I felt a need to stay up late and finish a few projects.

I found myself finishing a sewing project just after midnight...and I was tired, but my mind didn't want to sleep.  The house was that all-too-rare quiet and calm, and I sensed a need to relish it. 

I then found myself on the computer, catching up with long-overdue replies to messages and emails, and even perusing several blogs and Facebook.

I distinctly remember thinking to myself, around 2 am, "I really need to get in bed!  Here I am, staying up late, and now I'll probably go into labor exhausted.  What am I thinking?!?!" 

So, I went to bed...And, still, I lay in bed with my mind very much awake.  I counted kicks of my tiny unborn child until I finally fell asleep.  I saw 2:39 on the clock...then was up just after 3:30...and again at 4:30ish.  I didn't know why...just restless...a need to use the bathroom - AGAIN - I guessed.

At the 4:30ish mark I noticed contractions. This was nothing new - I'd had so many Braxton Hicks contractions up to this point in my pregnancy, I was sure I'd miss them like an old friend after Baby was born.  But, I timed them anyway. 

They were 6 minutes apart.

At around 5:00am, one of the contractions felt different...and then a crippling cramp in my abdomen grabbed my attention for good.  As the cramp subsided, I felt that familiar "Oh my goodness!  I think I might actually be in labor!!"

A perfect mixture of excitement and sheer terror.

By this time, Gregg had awakened and was timing along with me.  Still, roughly every 6 minutes...45-90 seconds in length. 

For any normal woman...it was time to start seeking labor/delivery assistance. 

But, I'm not normal. 

So, I lay there saying things like "they (the contractions) don't really hurt that bad", "maybe I should drink more water", "should I call Susan?", "one more contraction and we'll call"....

I called my midwife, Susan, at 6:30am.  She answered with "Hey, Olivia.  Is it time?"...and I could hear her smile on the other end of the line.

And, just like that...HERE WE GO!! 

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 4TH, 2013...

Obviously, early labor...what a lovely last pregnancy pic

 but, sadly, it didn't occur to me to take more pics at the time,
so it's the only one I have. :(

 

I felt a little like I was in a daze. 

 

Gregg was getting breakfast and getting the older kids prepared for their school day.  And shortly afterward, he had enlisted help from our very eager younger children to fill the birthing tub.

 

 

The assistant midwife, Rhonda, arrived in what felt like minutes (but was really about an hour later).  She listened to Baby's heartbeat and checked my vitals, then immediately and quietly busied herself with setting up everything as it needed to be for a home delivery.  We decided to wait until Susan arrived to check for dilation.

 

Susan arrived shortly after (she had further to drive) - with sweet words of excitement and reassurance.  I was dilated 4-5 cm...which, essentially, for me, means NOTHING besides the fact that I'm dilated 4-5 cm.  

 

We had  originally decided to arrange the birthing tub in our sunroom, but in the last week decided on something completely different from our normal Christmas decoration set up.  We decided to move furniture and put our Christmas tree in the alcove of what is normally our dining room.  We planned to place the birthing tub at the base of the Christmas tree in the glow of its twinkling lights.  It was Gregg's idea...and I LOVED it.

 

So, when Susan walked in and saw the new arrangement - with the little ones filling the tub in front of the Christmas tree - her face lit up and she said, "How neat!  HOW NEAT! I don't think I've ever delivered a baby under a Christmas tree before!"  It made me smile... 

 

And what was I doing while all this was going on? 

Me...I was trying to take it all in, but also doubting myself.  I even said, "What if I eat breakfast and the contractions STOP?"  I wasn't experiencing any real pain - just some discomfort.  I knew, from my personal experience, that hard labor could begin at any minute...but WHEN?  I still wasn't completely convinced that I was truly in labor. I had taken a shower, dressed comfortably, eaten a small breakfast, cancelled 2 appointments we had for later that day, and I had also made phone calls to my mother and my dear friend (who is very much like a mother to me).  They both planned to arrive in time to hear Baby's first cry.  What if I called them and it was FALSE LABOR?  I was intent on listening, the best I could, to the rhythms of my body. 

 

It was around 8:30am, I think.

 

And here's where things get pretty boring...contractions were still just six minutes apart (sometimes a little closer or further apart, but about the same)...for HOURS.

 

Gregg and I decided to take a walk together.  It was a misty, dreary, cool December morning and we walked the road just outside our home.  Hand in hand, I will remember this time with just the two of us fondly.  I needed to get out of the house...I needed to breathe.  I needed to be alone with my husband.

 

Still, 6 minutes apart...

 

My "adoptive mother" arrived from her 3+ hour drive, and I called my mother to tell her to stay at work.  Nothing happening...

 

Susan and Rhonda left for a couple hours (but stayed close by) to give us some private time and to grab a bite for lunch. 

 

Gregg and I walked some more...Susan and Rhonda were back...kids finished schoolwork...more walking.

 

At 3:00pm...we were just coming in from walking and still not much was changing.  I thought, "I'm not even going to have this baby today.  Poor Susan and Rhonda...they will be exhausted!" 

 

Still dilated about 5 cm. 

 

I felt frustrated, and Susan sensed this.  Baby was still not very "low" so Susan had suggested several exercises and position changes to try to position Baby better.  Some had seemed to help bring stronger, more consistent contractions.  At around 3:15 or 3:30, Susan suggested we try a few other natural techniques to help me relax and help facilitate labor. 

 

Was I uptight??  Uhhh...apparently...because with these suggested techniques, it was like my body just switched into high gear.

 

At just after 4:00pm, there was an audible "pop" and Baby's position had definitely changed.  My water had broken...and just like that, contractions were coming much quicker and much stronger. 

 

Still about 5 cm dilated...which, for my body, really meant nothing...

 

Gregg called my mother and told her to head this way quickly as things were definitely "picking up". 

 

Obviously, I was no longer in doubt that this was the real deal. 

Time to focus...time to get serious with the work at hand...

 

With about the next 3-4 contractions or so, I remember Susan and Rhonda checking Baby's heartbeat, checking my vitals, and helping me get ready to get into the birthing tub.  I also began to feel nauseated.  I always feel nauseated when I reach the part of labor referred to as Transition...so I knew that I must be suddenly, but surely, nearing full dilation.

By my best recollection, and based on the timing of some of the photos we took, I was able to get into the birthing tub just after 4:30pm.

A small CD player nearby was playing Casting Crowns' "Peace On Earth" Christmas album.

A dreary afternoon accented the white Christmas lights and candles on the mantle and piano...and the colored lights of the Christmas tree. 

I made a point to try to capture the picture in my mind so it would stay with me for the rest of my life. I will never listen to Casting Crowns' Christmas CD without recollecting the birth of John. 

Upon entering the warm water of the tub, I felt relief and comfort. 

Not much longer now.

Rhonda added a little cool water to the tub, and then a contraction hit me hard.  I remember Gregg and Eva snapping some pictures, and I sent for everyone to come, because I knew it could only be a matter of minutes.

Things seemed to be moving in a sudden rush.  I was self-absorbed, teetering between "I can't do this!" and "I HAVE to do this!" 

Susan and Rhonda were getting ready to check vitals and check for dilation when I felt, quite certainly, Baby was coming.

Not everyone was with me...the kids were in the back of the house...my mother had not arrived...but there was no waiting...

Susan was trying to get her water birth gloves on when the contraction I was having told EVERY. FIBER. OF. MY. BODY. to push this precious baby out.  (I think I had 2 contractions after entering the tub.  Maybe 3.)

So, with adrenaline coursing through my veins, and an insatiable desire to meet my little one...I pushed with all my might...

And, with that, Susan turned and saw Baby's head, and immediately did all the necessary things a competent midwife does to insure Mom and Baby's health.

Underneath the water, I saw my baby's tiny head covered with fine, dark hair...another push...another never-again-seen moment in time...tiny shoulders emerged...a final thrust...Baby's full body emerged into the calming, warm water...

I looked around me to see my children wide-eyed with wonder...they had made it - just in time.

Susan deftly picked up my little treasure from the depths of the water...and laid him on my chest.

Sheer relief mingled with unspeakable joy and wonder...face-to-face...

THAT MOMENT.

 

 

 

Following was a flurry of emotion and activity...

 

First order of business - Is it a boy or a girl?

 

It's a BOY!  And the kids want to know, "What is his name?"  (Gregg and I had decided to keep it a surprise for everyone.)  Gregg announces "His name is JOHN" - and everyone seems delighted.

 



Lots of snapshots and congratulations.  Snacks were eaten, dinner was being prepared...

 

Placenta was delivered,

 

Baby John was nursing like a little champ, 

 

I was relaxing - watching all the rounds of John's admirers grinning as they held him and listened to the click of the camera's shutter release.  

 

 

 

 

 

Susan's tender hands went over every inch of John's little body, and she spoke quietly and comfortingly about each detail.  Rhonda took notes on her iPad as Susan dictated.

 

John was weighed - 8 lb. 8 oz. (That was Mommy's guess!)

Head measurement - 14.5"   Length - 20.5"

Susan explaining all the little details

Gregg administering the Vitamin K injection

 

Me...I couldn't take my eyes off my little priceless treasure.  I couldn't get over his tiny fingers, his perfect nose, his beautiful little lips, his tender cry. 

 

More pictures...a meal eaten...bedtime routines...

 

Nanma holds John for the first time

 



Isaiah admiring John up close

 

 It didn't take long for Eva to earn the nickname "BH" - Baby Hog. 

She wants to hold him constantly.  :)

 

 John was cozy on his little heating pad...being examined

 

 Holding Daddy's hand

 

 Hand-in-hand with our lil' man

 

 Mommy and John

 

Susan has delivered 2 of our children -

Kedesh and John

 

 Beautiful are the hands and feet that serve...

Susan and John

 

Taken about 3 hours after John was born...

Susan and I pause to get a picture together with our

"Merry Christmas Gift"

 

 Rhonda, the assistant midwife, played a tremendous role

as she quietly served our family throughout labor and delivery

 

 Sam-I-Am couldn't wait to hold John "another time"

 

"Grand D" holding John and talking sweetly to him

 

"Eva, can I please hold my baby now?" :) 

 

Then, over and over in my head, I replayed the wonderment of the day's events...and that defining point in time when John was laid upon my chest for the first time...

 

THAT MOMENT.