I'm Worn

In August 2012, Tenth Avenue North released a song called "Worn". 

At times, the words of this song seem to be the exact words seeping from my heart.  I'll be in the van driving and crying as I sing along.   

Today, I have friends and family members who are struggling and feeling worn. 

I know that God is bigger than our trials, but sometimes I need a reminder.  This song reminds me that there is hope in Jesus Christ alone. 

Redemption wins. 

The struggle ends. 

Hearts are mended. 

A song can rise from the ashes of a broken life.

I have a few precious friends that have undoubtedly interceded on my behalf when I was too weak to lift my eyes to Him.  For those friends, I am eternally grateful. 

If you're reading this and you're feeling worn from the work it takes just to breathe and continue putting one foot in front of the other...take courage...YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

And, I am praying for you now...that God's precious Spirit would give you a peace and draw you closer to Him than ever before. 

For how can we ever make it without Him?


          "Worn"

I’m tired
I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

 

I love the imagery in this video...

of light and life renewed.

Forgiveness

Those few people in my life who know me best, know that I really struggle with forgiveness.  Ughh!

The hardest thing for me to forgive is someone lying to me or deceiving me.   Why can't people just tell the truth??   It hurts far less to hear the truth! 

The TRUTH...I promise, I can handle that...

I'm not talking about when a child of mine lies and says he/she wasn't eating a chocolate chip cookie, even though I see chocolate in both corners of his/her tiny mouth...

I'm not even talking about when a friend says I look great - when I have gained weight, have a really gross pimple on my chin, a ponytail, and I'm wearing sweatpants!

I'm talking about when someone - who is supposed to care about me, love me deeply, who should know me well enough to feel safe sharing with me - looks me blatantly in the eye - and lies to me. 

I'm talking about that someone living a life differently around me than they live when they're alone. 

I'm talking about that someone living such a pattern of lies that it's eerily predictable. 

Lack of character...blatant deception...hypocrisy...and clinging to church-y words to sound like a good person.   It weighs on me like a lead weight...like a plague...infiltrating my thoughts and feelings way too much! 

Makes me want to vomit - literally.

For a long time I thought forgiving someone meant reconciliation - so I rarely granted it.  Those in my life who deserve forgiveness the least, simply can't be reconciled with right now. 

Later, I learned that forgiveness CAN be granted without fear of unhealthy reconciliation.  It just takes two willing parties for reconciliation to occur - and a change of heart.  In my experience, the other party doesn't care one way or the other - ummm...no change of heart.   But, that doesn't mean I can't grant forgiveness.  So, I have.  And, that's been a good thing. 

And, then it happens again...and again. 

And, frankly, this Easter season has been hard for me. 

I know the scripture.

I know that Jesus literally laid down his life so I could have forgiveness for my complete wretchedness. (And, don't think I don't know there is wretchedness in my heart.)  I know that I must forgive as God has forgiven me.  I know I'm supposed to forgive 7 x 70 (over and over and over).

I get that.

But still, I struggle to let things go.  Yes, I hold grudges. 

I'm not proud of this.  In fact, I literally hate this about me!  It makes me wonder if I really am who I say I am - a Christian.

It makes me wonder what in the world God is doing.  And, it makes me ask, "Why me, Lord?  I'm too weak...too egotistic...for You to use me at all!" 

I can't do this.  I really can't.  It's just too hard. 

Forgiveness...God help me, because this is just too hard for me.

Like so many times before, God sent me a song this week.  He helped me realize, at least, that I must not really be alone - even when I feel like I'm the only one dealing with this crap - b/c Matthew West actually wrote a song about it.  Which means, somebody else can at least relate...

Can you relate?  If so, how have you chosen to forgive?  I'd love to hear your story...of Forgiveness. 

     


    

I Thought About When She Was Three

My mother's birthday is this coming week.

She'll be 54 years old.

She gave birth to me when she was 16 years old, and married my father 3 days later.  I lived in the same house with her for 21 years. 

I remember, when I was little, all of her friends would say how I looked just like her.  She was a brunette; I was a blond.  I didn't understand. 

Over the course of my life, there have been many opportunities for forgiveness and healing.  My mother and I weren't very close while I was growing up. 

Too much hurt...too much blame...too much dissension - too much evil in my home for a little girl to know how to deal with it all.

When my first child was born - her first grandchild - she was so happy, and I understood more than ever the depth and bond of love between a mother and a child.  (And doesn't every woman have a need for her mother when they first become a mother themselves?)

In many ways, we began to grow closer.  I so very much wanted us to grow closer!

Then came more incomprehendable heartache. 

The alchoholism continued...

Lies. 

Deception.

Divorce.

Cancer. 

Heartwrenching emotional turmoil.

More opportunities for forgiveness...

Until I began to shut down my heart (and sometimes even my eyes). 

It's the only way not to be hurt by someone you love.   The only way to not be hurt by someone who says they love you. 

It's the only way not to be hurt by your own mother.

So, in the midst of this, God gave me a gift - so precious, so deep, so dear.  He gave me the idea of a gift for her birthday.

Months ago, I was looking through some things in our storage shed when I found 2 dresses that belonged to my mother as a young girl.  I took them inside and washed them.  And I thought about framing them as a gift for her for Mother's Day. 

I bought the shadow box frame...and then Mother's Day came and went..without me so much as touching the dresses.  The unwrapped frame sat behind a chair, collecting dust. 

I've been praying - for YEARS - and begging God to help me let go of the hurt.  To forgive. 

It's sooo hard!

This week I took out the 50-year-old dresses and the frame, determined that I was going to get that frame out of my way!  And, I didn't know what else to get her for her birthday, anyway.

And, here's where God's gift showed up...

I was ironing one of the little dresses in the quiet of my kitchen (a quiet kitchen at my house is no small miracle in itself, so looking back, I know that God must have orchestrated this moment in time!).

My eye caught the size written on the tag. 

3X

My mother was 3?  And, God and I began a conversation as I ironed those little dresses.

It went something like this...

Me:  "She was 3 once?"
God:  "Yes, crazy girl!  Of course she was 3!"
Me:  "I know, I know. (smile) But I don't think I've thought much about what she must've been like then."
God: "Well, think about it."
Me:  "Innocence.  Beauty.  Starting to talk in sentences - just like I've watched my little ones do.  Bright eyes. Twirling around in her new pretty dress.  Laughing.  Running.  Crying when she was scared.  Wanting to be loved.  Times with her grandma - one of only a few people in her life who really showed her love.  Created and loved by You."
God: "Yes.  I created her - for a purpose.  For a reason.   I love her."
Me:  "I love her, too, but she has hurt me so much, God.  I can hardly bear it!  I wish things were different."
God: "They can be.  But, it's not up to you.  It's my job.  Trust me.  You have to let the hurt go."
Me:  "You know I've tried, but I literally don't know HOW to let it go!"
God: "When you look at her...when you think of her...think of this dress.  Think of her as an innocent child.  Because she is MY innocent child.  She is forgiven by Me.  I know it will take time, but you must think of her this way.  You must forgive, b/c I have forgiven you.  I have a plan for all of this.  You don't see it now...but you must trust me."
Me:  "I don't know if I can do it, but I'll try, God."
God: "I Am right here with you."

And, so, I began to cry as I stood there and ironed a little green, size 3X dress.  And, I began to praise God, from whom all blessings flow, for the gift of forgiveness.

For mine.  For my mother's.

I know it will be a daily struggle to continue to forgive.  I've seen too much - felt too much - to think otherwise. 

But,  I have hope - hope that God gave me...

THE DAY I IRONED A LITTLE GREEN DRESS AND THOUGHT ABOUT WHEN SHE WAS THREE.