Forgiveness

Those few people in my life who know me best, know that I really struggle with forgiveness.  Ughh!

The hardest thing for me to forgive is someone lying to me or deceiving me.   Why can't people just tell the truth??   It hurts far less to hear the truth! 

The TRUTH...I promise, I can handle that...

I'm not talking about when a child of mine lies and says he/she wasn't eating a chocolate chip cookie, even though I see chocolate in both corners of his/her tiny mouth...

I'm not even talking about when a friend says I look great - when I have gained weight, have a really gross pimple on my chin, a ponytail, and I'm wearing sweatpants!

I'm talking about when someone - who is supposed to care about me, love me deeply, who should know me well enough to feel safe sharing with me - looks me blatantly in the eye - and lies to me. 

I'm talking about that someone living a life differently around me than they live when they're alone. 

I'm talking about that someone living such a pattern of lies that it's eerily predictable. 

Lack of character...blatant deception...hypocrisy...and clinging to church-y words to sound like a good person.   It weighs on me like a lead weight...like a plague...infiltrating my thoughts and feelings way too much! 

Makes me want to vomit - literally.

For a long time I thought forgiving someone meant reconciliation - so I rarely granted it.  Those in my life who deserve forgiveness the least, simply can't be reconciled with right now. 

Later, I learned that forgiveness CAN be granted without fear of unhealthy reconciliation.  It just takes two willing parties for reconciliation to occur - and a change of heart.  In my experience, the other party doesn't care one way or the other - ummm...no change of heart.   But, that doesn't mean I can't grant forgiveness.  So, I have.  And, that's been a good thing. 

And, then it happens again...and again. 

And, frankly, this Easter season has been hard for me. 

I know the scripture.

I know that Jesus literally laid down his life so I could have forgiveness for my complete wretchedness. (And, don't think I don't know there is wretchedness in my heart.)  I know that I must forgive as God has forgiven me.  I know I'm supposed to forgive 7 x 70 (over and over and over).

I get that.

But still, I struggle to let things go.  Yes, I hold grudges. 

I'm not proud of this.  In fact, I literally hate this about me!  It makes me wonder if I really am who I say I am - a Christian.

It makes me wonder what in the world God is doing.  And, it makes me ask, "Why me, Lord?  I'm too weak...too egotistic...for You to use me at all!" 

I can't do this.  I really can't.  It's just too hard. 

Forgiveness...God help me, because this is just too hard for me.

Like so many times before, God sent me a song this week.  He helped me realize, at least, that I must not really be alone - even when I feel like I'm the only one dealing with this crap - b/c Matthew West actually wrote a song about it.  Which means, somebody else can at least relate...

Can you relate?  If so, how have you chosen to forgive?  I'd love to hear your story...of Forgiveness.