30 Weeks...An Emotional Pivot Point

The baby that wiggles and rolls and hiccups inside of my womb is 30 weeks young today. 

He/she is full of life and beauty and perfection.  I'm in awe every time I feel the movements that remind me we will be adding a new face to our family photos soon.

There are many milestones during pregnancy...the first sign you might be expecting, the positive test, the end of nausea (YAY!!!), that first flutter of movement, the dreaded glucose-tolerance test, etc., etc.

But, for me, 30 weeks marks a milestone unlike any other.

Our second son, Caleb, was born at just this gestational age.  He came quickly, in a flurry of fear and uncertainty - at just after 2am one foggy May morning.  Born in the hospital triage room, and weighing just 3 lb. 10 oz.,  the experience is forever etched in my mind.   Seeing his little chest heave for breath...then touching him only through a tiny, round isolette window...wires, pic lines, a staph infection, 2 blood transfusions, and 10 weeks in the NICU... 

I remember when I was released from the hospital, it hit me that I was going home without my baby.  I absolutely DID NOT think I could leave him.  I remember crying and holding tightly to a metal pole just outside the doors of the NICU - and I begged Gregg to let me stay  - I could sleep in the waiting room or something, I reasoned.   He didn't buy it.  Gregg tenderly pulled my arms away from the pole.  I had to go home.   I could come back to visit...but it wasn't the same. 

The nurses and doctors were so good with Caleb, but THEY WEREN'T HIS PARENTS.

So, for 10 weeks, we visited as often as we could...we prayed over our son...read to him...delivered breast milk in a cooler...and longed for the day we would be able to bring him home.

Caleb's first bath...he was a little over 4 weeks old.  I can hardly believe how tiny he was!!

 

Today, Caleb is a brilliant, funny, athletic 14 year old - despite predictions from doctors that he would most certainly have "cognitive and motor skill issues."  No doubt, God taught us much during those 10 weeks...and so much more in the years that followed. 

But, it was a scary time for me.  I blamed myself.  What should I have done differently...or not done at all?

And, just when I had finally convinced myself there was nothing I could have done...

We were 30 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child...on the way to a different hospital in a different town...and I was most definitely having serious contractions.  I remember crying (from pain and fear), and asking Gregg as he frantically drove the 45 min. drive, "Why is God doing this?  He doesn't love us!  We are trying so hard to be faithful to Him...to be obedient to Him...and He doesn't even care!"

I was scared and emotional...I just didn't think I could go through the experience we had with Caleb again.  I knew that God loved us, and He did care.  I also knew He had a plan.  I just couldn't see it. 

Eva, our 3rd child, was born full term...doctors were able to stop labor (I was dilated 3-4 cm by the time I reached the hospital that scary night), and I spent 7 weeks on bedrest.  Again, God ministered to our family unlike anything we had EVER experienced before.  He had a plan to teach us much - about our pride, our need for Him and the people He would place in our path, and about His abundant goodness and tender love.

I've since experienced 5 additional full-term pregnancies - with no preterm labor issues.  But still, 30 weeks seems to be a tremendous emotional pivot point for me.

It's that "magic" week, when I remember...when I seek to rest a little more...when I listen to my body's every movement...Braxton hicks contractions scare me - and I find myself timing the few that I have.  It's the week I worry most, and celebrate the most when I reach the weeks that follow.

It's the week I lay in bed at night and wonder at every little kick, and cherish every second that this baby grows inside of me.  It's the week I thank God over and over for Caleb's health, and Eva's spunkiness. 

It's the week I marvel most at all that God has given me and Gregg.

It's the week I look at each of my 8 children and thank God that He allowed me to be their mother.

It's the week I feel our new baby kicking...and long, more than ever, to know that Baby will be born safely. 

30 weeks...an emotional pivot point...

  

The Thief Comes - Part 2

After almost 2 weeks of having diligently sought to capture the illusive thief that was entering our chicken pen each evening (and losing still more chickens)...we finally have some answers.

(read the first part of the story here)

The live traps that we had set up all week were, frankly, NOT working.  We even positioned one of the traps so that the incoming critter would go through it's existing hole that it had dug and go straight into the trap.

Somehow, the culprit managed to trip the trap, then squeeze itself between the wall of the coop and the trap, kill a chicken, and drag it's victim back through the hole. (Sigh.)

Yesterday evening, our family was a little preoccupied with other obligations and activities, and we forgot to enclose our chickens into the relative safety of their wooden coop, as has become our custom over the last 2 weeks. (This actually turned out to be a blessing...) 

So,  Gregg went out around 10:45pm to check on our 14 remaining hens, and found that the thief had already come again...

And gotten another chicken!!  Down to 13 - urgghhh!

Gregg noticed the dead chicken at the base of a tree just outside the fence and heard something in the trees overhead. 

I think - just maybe - a primeval mood came over my dear husband as he called for a flashlight and his Remington 1100 shotgun. 

Without baring all the not-so-nice details, let's just say that my hubby has a pretty accurate shot, and 2 raccoons fell to the ground last night.  There was a also a third coon, but we were unable to find it, and we aren't sure it was endangered - but we hope so.

We will keep the traps and our guard up just in case.

I must admit, that it has been quite a relief to begin to have some closure to this saga.  I have been amazed at the persistence of these raccoons.

"They have eaten well," Gregg said.  And, then he thinned his lips and quoted Luke 11:21 -

"When a strong man, fully armed, guards his own homestead, his possessions are undisturbed;"

Disclaimer:  If you read Luke 11, you will find that this scripture, taken within it's context, means something quite different.  So, Gregg and I had a little laugh about it and talked a little about what Christ really meant as He was referring to Satan's demons being cast from those who are possessed.

I was thinking maybe it applied more than we thought...for I was thinking these little thieves were a lot like little demons.  

 

Counting My Blessings...

Here at our house, we get pretty excited about surprise blessings.

And, God seems to just show up with a blessing when we need it most.

Sometimes, it's an unexpected and encouraging note in the mailbox... 

Or someone making a nice comment about our family instead of looking at us like we have three heads and only one tiny brain. 

Sometimes, it's a bag of hand-me-down clothes from a friend who couldn't have known that my 3 yr. old had just grown out of all the jeans in his closet.  And, guess what?  The bag will have "new" jeans just his size! 

I totally love when God does that!  It never ceases to amaze me.  :)

Once, when I was pregnant with our 3rd child, I remember God showing up in an amazing way to me.  We had recently moved to a new city, bought a house, and were still waiting for our old home (3 hrs. away) to sell.  Money was tight.  We budget and simply didn't spend money on anything we didn't NEED... 

At the same time, I was really craving Krispy Kreme donuts...and you know how pregnancy cravings can be!?!? 

But, I did without and didn't mention it to anyone - not even my sweet hubby.  Then, one Sunday morning, we were walking out of church, and a man we didn't even know walked up to us with a box of Krispy Kreme donuts and asked if we would take them.  The man had no idea who we were and couldn't have known that I was craving them.  But, GOD KNEW.  When we got into our van with the donuts, I cried.  I told Gregg, "God gave me donuts!"  (pretty sure Gregg thought my hormones were way out of whack at that point! hahaha! )

It seems a little silly to write about that now.  Maybe you could call it a coincidence.  But, I don't think so.  I think we need to be acutely aware of the many, many ways in which God gives us good gifts.  I just sort of picture Him looking at us in hopeful expectation - just waiting for us to smile and say, "Yippeee!  Thank you!  I love you!"

I really like to do this with my kids.  I like to give them little things and watch them beam with excitement.  I'm pretty sure God is the same way with us - considering we are made in His image and all... 

So, this past week, we had lots of blessings, but there were two that really stood out to me:

The first was on Monday.  A friend sent a special basket of goodies.  She knew I would be beginning the home school year with my little ones.  She fashioned a basket of goodies for our family with some of our favorite snacks - Reese's cups, Doritos, and pistachios.  And, inside was a very sweet and encouraging note.  The basket of goodies was great, but the encouragement and the thought that somebody cared was even better.  Thank you, Lord, for caring friends - and goodies. :) 

 

 

The second surprise blessing came on Tuesday.  A friend had contacted me asking if I might be interested in some maternity clothes.  Although I do have enough maternity clothes from my previous pregnancies, I had begun to get a little concerned that I was going to have to buy some new shorts/capris/pants because - well, I'm a little heavier this time than the others.  Such is life, right?

 

So, here's the thing...she brings FOUR bags of maternity clothes to my house on Tuesday morning.  And, guess what?  There were pants and capris and shorts that fit me!!  And lots of pretty shirts for me to wear, too.  And, although I can certainly wear my older maternity clothes, what woman doesn't like some new pretty things to add to her wardrobe? 

 

God knew that I could "make do" with what I had, but I have a feeling He was beaming with excitement as I took each article of clothing from the bags.  I have a feeling He just couldn't wait to see my joy and hear me say, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!!  I love them!"

 

 

 

Now, I "get" that these are material things...but to me, it's so much more than that.

God knows me intimately.  He knows my desires.  He knows when I'm feeling alone or down and just need a little surprise encouragement.  He even knows when I'm feeling frumpy in my old maternity clothes.

And, HE CARES.  He really cares.  For me, the basket and the maternity clothes this week were a part of God telling me so.

Thank you, Lord.

I promise to not stop counting my blessings.  For they are many...

The Thief Comes

We've had a thief at our house this week. 

One with fur and a voracious taste for fresh chicken.

And, the presence of this thief (or maybe thieves) has had me thinking much about what it all means and what I can learn from it.

You see, our family owns a small flock of chickens.  We have a large pen where we keep them.  The 25 of them have roamed freely, clucked and eaten, and laid some really yummy eggs for our family's food consumption.

This past Monday, several of my children went to gather eggs and came back screaming that there were "feathers and dead chickens" outside.  Apparently, some type of wild animal (presumably a fox or raccoon) had created a hole in the back corner and freely taken several of our chickens.

Gregg repaired the hole and closed off that portion of the chicken pen (we have a 2-section pen).

The next day, it happened again - another hole in the fence...and more lost chickens.  The saddest part is that many of the chickens have been left uneaten.  So the thief is no longer destroying our little flock simply because it's hungry.

Tuesday evening, Gregg repaired the hole and barred the remaining hens in the wooden coop for the night - to ensure their safety.

The next day, we lost 3 more chickens...the thief had actually made it's way into the pen and DUG A HOLE UNDER THE WOODEN WALL TO THE COOP!! 

Persistence - I'll give him that...

Next plan...Gregg went by Tractor Supply and purchased some traps.  The only ones he could find were live traps, and the woman at the counter sweetly asked what he was trying to catch.  He explained the situation and she said, "Oh please just promise me you aren't going to KILL them after you trap them!"

Seriously!?!?!

"Um...I can't promise you that."  Enough said.

Whatever the animal is...it's stealing, killing, and destroying our family's chickens.  Our hens are animals that we have fed, raised, cared for, and that supply an important food source for us.  Whatever it is must be destroyed before our entire flock is extinct.

Altogether, in 3 days, we have "lost" eight of our 25 hens.  This morning the traps were empty...and no more chickens were lost. 

Interesting.

Did the thief sense the danger of the trap and decide to stay away for a while?   I certainly can't answer that, but I will tell you the traps are still there, and we mean business when it comes to protecting our tiny remaining flock!

All week, this has lead me to run the scripture, John 10:10, through my mind.

"The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I came that they might have life and might have it more abundantly."   

It's the perfect example...this animal is coming to steal, kill, and destroy our flock.  He is coming when we aren't looking - when we aren't expecting him.  He is finding weaknesses in our structures.  He is making his own way to satisfy his own desires.

In this scripture, Jesus is telling us that the thief - referring to Satan - has a plan.  That plan is to steal, kill, and destroy us.

Jesus reminds us that He came so the thief couldn't have us.  Jesus came so we could have LIFE.  And not just LIFE but ABUNDANT LIFE.  (You know...full, joyful, peaceful, refreshing, to-God-be-the-glory LIFE.)

Thank you, Jesus, for coming so we could have LIFE.  Thank you, that once we commit our lives to You, Satan can't really destroy us.  He could make us miserable for a time if we let him, but HE CAN'T WIN THE WAR.

I've been thinking about how Satan is like this animal I've been describing. 

He has a voracious appetite for our families, our marriages, our relationships, our children - and he seeks to destroy them.  He looks for the weak places in our lives and seeks to slyly slither his way into those places  - often unnoticed until it's too late.

I've been looking at the weak areas where the thief might have a chance to destroy my family...

Discontentment, mismanaged time, technology, apathy, excuses, feelings of giving up, loss of vision or purpose...not to mention some of the more obvious threats like internet use, pornography, drugs/alcohol, premarital sex, and yes - even Facebook.

I've been watching my children this week and trying to be a little more observant with the places the thief might seek to destroy them.

A precious and dear pastor's wife I had growing up mentioned something to me when I was about college age, I guess.  It has always stuck with me.

She was referring to her only son and the turmoil he was going through at the time, and she told him, "I have fought Satan and hell itself for you, and I'm not about to stop fighting and let you go now!"

"The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I came that they might have life and might have it more abundantly." 

I must fight Satan and hell itself for my family, my marriage, my relationships, my children...because the thief seeks to have them.

And I can tell you this... 

If I am not diligent to lift my loved ones in prayer...

If I am not faithful to make the tough decisions that help my family to honor God...

If I am not willing to give up the things that threaten to take us from our true purpose...

If I am not going to be contentedly obedient to God's call for my own life...

The thief comes.



 









 

Welcome, Summer!!

Yep...CRAZY summer!! 

We finished school in mid-May, and I had great expectations of getting lots of organizing done and spending lots of time with my sweet kids in the pool.  

Not to mention, I was going to blog every day - bahahahaha!!

Instead, we had lots of running, unforeseen obligations, washing machine trouble, van trouble, and LOTS and LOTS of baseball practices/games. 

In addition, first trimester pregnancy nausea and fatigue seemed to wipe me out!! (I'm still waiting on that 2nd trimester "energy surge"...I NEED it badly!!)

So, May and June whirred by in a blur...and, then, FINALLY July brought with it a little more calm and some much-needed down time.

A couple of weeks ago, Gregg and I went outside to sit on the deck and watch the kids play in the pool...

And this is what we saw:

 

 

Somehow, this marked the true beginning of summer vacation for me.  :) 

 

You know...CAREFREE!?!?!

 

So...I did what any good mother - and budding photographer - would do...I grabbed my camera!

 



 

 

 

I won't say how many of my kids were found swimming in the buff, but I will say our daughter was NOT one of them.  At least she understands the importance of modesty!  :)

 

Here's to what's left of summer fun!!

 

Welcome, Summer!! It's SO good to finally see you!! 

 

Forgiveness

Those few people in my life who know me best, know that I really struggle with forgiveness.  Ughh!

The hardest thing for me to forgive is someone lying to me or deceiving me.   Why can't people just tell the truth??   It hurts far less to hear the truth! 

The TRUTH...I promise, I can handle that...

I'm not talking about when a child of mine lies and says he/she wasn't eating a chocolate chip cookie, even though I see chocolate in both corners of his/her tiny mouth...

I'm not even talking about when a friend says I look great - when I have gained weight, have a really gross pimple on my chin, a ponytail, and I'm wearing sweatpants!

I'm talking about when someone - who is supposed to care about me, love me deeply, who should know me well enough to feel safe sharing with me - looks me blatantly in the eye - and lies to me. 

I'm talking about that someone living a life differently around me than they live when they're alone. 

I'm talking about that someone living such a pattern of lies that it's eerily predictable. 

Lack of character...blatant deception...hypocrisy...and clinging to church-y words to sound like a good person.   It weighs on me like a lead weight...like a plague...infiltrating my thoughts and feelings way too much! 

Makes me want to vomit - literally.

For a long time I thought forgiving someone meant reconciliation - so I rarely granted it.  Those in my life who deserve forgiveness the least, simply can't be reconciled with right now. 

Later, I learned that forgiveness CAN be granted without fear of unhealthy reconciliation.  It just takes two willing parties for reconciliation to occur - and a change of heart.  In my experience, the other party doesn't care one way or the other - ummm...no change of heart.   But, that doesn't mean I can't grant forgiveness.  So, I have.  And, that's been a good thing. 

And, then it happens again...and again. 

And, frankly, this Easter season has been hard for me. 

I know the scripture.

I know that Jesus literally laid down his life so I could have forgiveness for my complete wretchedness. (And, don't think I don't know there is wretchedness in my heart.)  I know that I must forgive as God has forgiven me.  I know I'm supposed to forgive 7 x 70 (over and over and over).

I get that.

But still, I struggle to let things go.  Yes, I hold grudges. 

I'm not proud of this.  In fact, I literally hate this about me!  It makes me wonder if I really am who I say I am - a Christian.

It makes me wonder what in the world God is doing.  And, it makes me ask, "Why me, Lord?  I'm too weak...too egotistic...for You to use me at all!" 

I can't do this.  I really can't.  It's just too hard. 

Forgiveness...God help me, because this is just too hard for me.

Like so many times before, God sent me a song this week.  He helped me realize, at least, that I must not really be alone - even when I feel like I'm the only one dealing with this crap - b/c Matthew West actually wrote a song about it.  Which means, somebody else can at least relate...

Can you relate?  If so, how have you chosen to forgive?  I'd love to hear your story...of Forgiveness. 

     


    

Thank You for Giving Them a Baby to Hold

I can't believe I haven't written anything on here in over a month!

Where has the time gone?

I have tons to write about, but will start with sharing about the most amazing birth experience of my life - besides the birth of my own children, of course!

Several months ago, I completed my doula training and signed a contract with my first client.

I had my first client as a DOULA!   Woohoo!!

(Don't have a clue what a "doula" is?  You're not alone!  Check out this site for more info.)

My "client" was actually a very good friend of mine, and is special to me in so many ways.  She and her husband allowed me the privilege of serving them during the labor and delivery of their "rainbow baby" - a term given to a baby born after the loss of a child.  It's a term of endearment that signifies that God's promises ring true always.

My friend gave birth to a BEAUTIFUL little girl on January 30th - and I got to be a part of it!  WOW!  After hours of intense and focused labor, my dear friend was able to give birth without interventions - just the way she wanted. 

I was amazed at her grace and beauty and strength!  It was the first time I had been a part of a birth where I wasn't the one actually giving birth.

I could sense God's presence in that room unlike anything I had ever experienced before.  What joy, what love in the faces of the mommy and daddy!  I tried my very best to soak it all in. The father's anxiety, the tears of joy, the way they couldn't take their eyes off their daughter from the moment she was born - the intense love they felt for each other and for their God was tangible.

I didn't sleep at all that night (of course - Baby was born just before 4 am!), and I got home just before 7 am - just in time for Gregg to leave for work.  It couldn't have been more perfect timing!
 
I had scheduled an eye appointment the same day at 10, so there was no need to sleep until that afternoon.  The crazy thing was, the adrenaline and joy I felt for this family made me unable to sleep anyway.  It's an experience I will cherish for a lifetime.

I'm hoping someone else in my "little world" will have the desire for a doula soon and consider my serving them.  Because I sooo want to do that again!

Here's one of my favorite pics I managed to grab that precious morning:

 

 

I'm sure this mommy will be sharing more photos and details of labor and delivery once things settle down a little at their house, so I won't attempt to steal any of her joy in sharing. 

 

Until then, you must check out my friend's blog here.  Be sure to start at the beginning.  You will be inspired and awed by her story! 

 

Oh, and did I mention that this little beauty was publicly dedicated to God in a beautiful service this past Sunday, and they asked Gregg and me to be her sponsors?!?!  This means we get the responsibility of committing to pray for and encourage this family as they parent.  I can't think of a sweeter gift that they could've given us.  (Of course, we'd have been praying for them all along anyway, but it sure feels pretty special to be a noted part of this little girl's life!)

 

Thank you, Lord, for using me in a small way to make a difference. 

 

And, thank you for giving them a baby to hold and call their own.  You are so good!