Gregg put this song into the CD player last night while we silently folded laundry together...and I realized we're both feeling it. My precious husband has been burdened on almost every side.
The weight of the world is on his shoulders...and seemingly a new outside complaint or conflict comes every day.
He. is. worn.
And, me?
I'm worn, too.
I have this tremendous urge to tenderly gather my husband and my children together and retreat from everyone - like a mama bear gathers her cubs and retreats into the forest.
But, I know that's not God's plan for us. We are called to be salt...and light. Retreating, like hermits, is not an option.
I'm just frustrated...disappointed...maybe I've even been disillusioned.
Maybe the world isn't good.
Maybe people really are as selfish as they seem.
Maybe no one is really "real" after all.
Maybe it doesn't even matter...
Maybe it's ME.
For the past 18 months or so, especially, I have watched a large handful of my friends experience excruciating pain and consequences - some pain brought from their own choices, and some from the choices of those they care about most, and some for reasons only God knows.
I have watched death...pain from sexual immorality...cancer...the loss of a child...the untimely loss of a spouse after childbirth...marriages ripped apart...financial messes...a church that has turned others away from God...PAIN. Silently, I have felt others' burdens as my own. Many have no idea that I've been screaming out to God to hold them, to heal them, to take away the pain...to teach them and to change them if needed.
I've questioned God. I've wondered where He is in all of this.
But, I've found Him always here...always very real to me. I can't see Him, but I know He's here, as sure as I can't see the wind but can feel it on my face.
I so rarely find Him living in those who claim to be His people. Is it any wonder that those who don't know Christ personally have no use for us? Most days, I don't want anything to do with "christians," either. Why is it that we say we are "believers," but we really AREN'T?
Maybe I expect too much. I expect others to be who they say they are. I expect them to do what they say they will do. I expect them to have maturity...and integrity...to admit mistakes and learn from them...to have a passion for loving others more than themselves...to be kind...to have the ability to put themselves in someone else's shoes (or at least TRY).
God is up to something (Isn't He always?)...I just hope Gregg and I can hang on. I pray that we can be faithful...that our speech will be honest, but with a pure heart...that we can remember that our battle is against Satan and hell itself, not against others.
In God's unfathomable sovereignty, He has planned a time of rest for our little family soon. In the next couple of months, I hope to blog about all God does. We had no idea, in the planning stages months ago, that our family would need a time of rest as desperately as we need the air we breathe.
I'm grateful.
I'm worn...but I AM grateful. I'm anticipating a God-change in me...in my family. I have a strong feeling that it could be a painful pruning.
There are things inside of me that need to change. I need new passion, new knowledge, new calmness, new perspective, new laughter, new joy...and who knows what else!
I sometimes hear people comment that I have it "all together." I'm not trying to appear humble when I say, "I do NOT have it all together." I REALLY MEAN IT. I've made more mistakes than I care to mention. I get my feelings hurt, hold grudges, and complain. I can be more selfish than anyone I know. Sometimes painful, ugly words that I'm tossing around in my head and heart, come out of my mouth...and they hurt others. I understand I'm not perfect. I understand that no one is perfect.
Perhaps God allows us to become worn so we can enjoy the renewal.
Perhaps He allows us to become worn so He can prune us.
In our back yard are some beautiful roses. Each year, Gregg and my older sons prune them until they look like they are dead. And then, with warm sunshine, leaves begin to emerge. Before I know it, they are blooming beautifully.
I want to be like that.
As the song says, I want to see God "mend a heart that's broken and torn"...and "all that's dead inside can be reborn."
I didn't want to write this post, Lord. I've been avoiding it longer than I can remember. I have no idea why I'm putting it "out there" now, except that I'm pretty sure You're telling me to write and trust. Perhaps, I was supposed to write this to help me heal. Perhaps, it's supposed to help my children one day. Perhaps, it's for someone else.
So...here's to being worn...and, Lord, here's to trusting in your plan. Give our family clarity, wisdom, and strength to make changes where You want us to change.
"Create in me a clean heart, Oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Thy presence, and do not take Thy Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Thy salvation, and sustain me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors Thy ways, and sinners will be converted to Thee." (Psalm 52:10-13)
God always knows when I've been feeling down...misunderstood...alone. (Yes, with 9 kids, you CAN still FEEL "alone.")
He knows when I've been running around constantly...always more to do...feeling like I'm drowning...no time to stop.
He knows when I'm longing for adult conversation, mom-to-mom...longing to connect with someone who "gets" my crazy life...longing to laugh...longing to rest.
Today a friend came to visit. She has 5 children of her own, she gets a very rare day alone, and she CHOOSES to drive 2 hours to visit with ME.
Yes...I am absolutely humbled...and beyond grateful! God knew I needed to see her. I think God knew she needed to see me, too.
In 18 years, we have been able to visit with each other only 3 other times. And, today, we picked up our conversation as if we have always been together.
There was nothing extraordinary about our visit. Chatting, walking around the yard, lunch, swinging on the front porch...a beautiful, perfect Spring day.
We walked through old memories and laughed about new ones.
We spoke of our husbands' strengths and God's perfect provisions in our lives.
My older children took care of my younger children and basically kept to themselves most of the afternoon. I really think they sensed how much I needed this day. The kids actually commented that I "looked like a kid in a candy store" when my friend arrived. Was my excitement THAT obvious!?!?! What a blessing their obedience and helpfulness was to me today!!
I didn't do laundry, or cook lunch, or sweep the floor, or pour a drink, or even change a diaper while she was here. I just visited!
...
I hated to see her leave.
And, after she left, I thought of a dozen things I wanted to ask about her life...and so many things I wanted to share with her about mine. I'm hoping we can arrange another visit in the next few months.
But, I'm thanking God this evening for a special day today.
I'm thanking Him for working out all the crazy details of putting two very busy moms together for a day - with very few interruptions.
I'm thanking Him for using my friend to remind me that He is with me and He understands my desires and needs, even when I may not feel like it...
I'm thanking God for using Marcy to remind me that, although my life isn't "normal", SOMEONE ELSE ACTUALLY "GETS" ME.
Yesterday morning we awoke to a note taped to our front door...
What a unique reminder of our Savior and His empty tomb!
(Special Note: Our yard didn't contain the usual 12 eggs...instead we had 3 dozen! Guess this group of "outlaws" knew a single dozen wouldn't be enough for our 9 kiddos!)
It was a lot of fun...and we were able to talk to the littlest ones about the significance of an empty egg representing the empty tomb of Jesus.
Easter is right around the corner. It has nothing to do with bunnies...or eggs...or pink straw...or chocolate - although those things can be fun.
Easter is a celebration of our Risen Savior.
We can never be perfect on our own...but, with Jesus' death and His resurrection, we can be made perfect!
A very special thank you to our friends, who found the time to sneak around our home late one night. (Glad we didn't hear you and try to shoot you! Lol!)
Thank you for your effort to bring joy - and a gentle reminder of God's never-ending love to our family this celebration season.
Our home was EGGED!...and we might just have to pass it on...
Each year, the birthday boy/girl gets to choose a place to eat out, and since we don't eat out as often as many families, it makes for a special treat for all of us.
Tonight, we visited a local restaurant in celebration of Gregg's birthday. His birthday was two days ago, but tonight was the best time for all of us to go out together.
While the kids and I tend to choose more familiar places to eat, Gregg is notorious for scouting out some place to "widen our horizons." He's always trying to choose somewhere we have never been.
Sometimes that works out well.
Sometimes, not so much.
(Like the year we visited the Indian Cuisine Restaurant with 5 little ones in tow. We walked into a place with candlelight, cloth napkins, and waiters in tuxedos. I wanted to leave, but Gregg said it would be fun! We learned that the service was awesome. We also got lots of compliments from other customers saying how nice it was to see parents bringing their children to a nice place to show them how to display proper manners. I was just praying my boys wouldn't belch or pass gas loudly! Or pick their nose or spill their drink! We learned that we didn't care for the high amounts of curry used in the Indian traditional dishes, so it's a running joke in the family that they have really good bread, b/c that was our family's favorite part of the meal! I have to admit it was a fun memory. Gregg was right.)
So...this year, Gregg took us to George's Italian and Lebanese Restaurant. None of us had ever been. Somewhere new...a little culture learning and adventure with our 9 children.
3 brick-oven-baked pizzas...
2 baked lasagnas...
1 philly cheese steak calzone...
1 George's trio (lasagna, manicotti, ravioli)
3 appetizers (chicken fingers, cheese pies, and some kind of other little pastries we can't remember the name of)
1 Tawook chicken...
10 waters...
And everyone was full!
The service was kind and helpful. The atmosphere was nice. The food was good.
$138.00 + $20 tip = $158.00 family birthday meal
This is what a birthday meal looks like for our family of 11. It seems crazy to me that we would spend so much on a meal when I could literally have bought 2 weeks of groceries with that amount!
But, this is something special we enjoy doing as a family.
It's something our kids look forward to experiencing.
but the foolish tears it down with her own hands."
Proverbs 14:1
It's after 11pm, and I've been organizing and muddling through mounds of clothes for my two oldest sons.
For the past 6 HOURS. (minus a little time to eat dinner)
They are 15 and 16 years old, and for the past couple of years, I have let them sort through their own things to "weed out" what didn't fit and "get rid of" unwanted clothing items.
BIG MISTAKE.
It became apparent to me, recently, that I was going to have to get in there and help do some of the purging and organizing.
Teenage boys DO NOT have good judgement about what ACTUALLY FITS. (Caleb insisted that he needed to keep his size 14 boys camo shorts. He wears men's clothing! Nathan tried on a long sleeved shirt that was at least 3 inches above his wrists and INSISTED it was fine b/c he LOVES the color yellow!)
Compound that small fact with the mentality of my oldest to keep EVERY article of clothing because it has some special meaning to him...
And compound it with the incessant NEED of my 2nd oldest to keep EVERY t-shirt he has ever owned (especially all the orange ones).
Don't get me wrong...my boys are not filthy. The floor of their room is never covered in items. There isn't trash strewn everywhere.
They just tend to stuff their drawers and closet with everything. They don't seem to know what they have, and so they wear the same 5 items that get washed all the time.
Have you ever seen a drawer full of worn-out boys' underwear buried under stained and stretched socks?
Trust me, it's not pretty!
No more. We must clean out. We must simplify.
Slowly, but surely, I will make our home a haven of peace and rest. It need not be a place of stress due to STUFF.
I'm ashamed of the way I've neglected our home.
I'm ashamed at how much we possess, when there are so many who have so little.
Lord, help me. Give me discernment in what to keep and what to give away or throw out. Help me hold lightly to physical possessions; I tend to be so sentimental! Help me not to hesitate getting rid of something for fear I may need it in the future. Lord, you have always provided abundantly when we needed it!!
Lord, show me how to organize a home for 11 people in such a way that it can be a BLESSING.
