After a crazy, busy weekend, and 14 things running through my mind that NEED to be finished this week, I've come to the realization that I NEED AT LEAST FOUR OF ME!
I'm having a little trouble balancing things. I have:
1. A husband that needs a wife to love and cherish him...
2. Eight children that all need something constantly... (5 of whom I am currently the primary person responsible for their formal education)
3. A family member that doesn't understand NOT to call at 10:15 on a Monday morning b/c I AM TRYING TO HOMESCHOOL...(and, when I don't answer my cell phone (there's a reason), that doesn't mean you call the house phone to disrupt the kids, too!)
4. Friends I am burdened to pray for and who need to know that I really do care...
5. Church ministries that need attending to...
6. A small home-based business to maintain...
7. Laundry, laundry, laundry...an endless mound of laundry...
8. 3 meals/day to plan, prepare, and cook - for a family of 10...(Actually my hubby gets breakfast, so I can't take credit for that one. Have I mentioned I love my man?)
9. Children's clothes to sort for the upcoming season...
The list feels overwhelming today. Like I have a jar of marbles spinning randomly in my head and I just need to get them spinning in sync so I can start knocking them out one by one.
Some days aren't like this...but many days are. I literally never stop. Even when I try, my mind is going over all the things I should be doing! I wonder why God has entrusted me with this life.
Doesn't He know that I'm not as calm as I want to be?
Doesn't He see how disorganized I'm becoming? (When I was younger, I didn't misplace things...now it happens all the time!)
Doesn't He know how much I want to sit and just snuggle with my little ones before they are grown?
I know, I know...
I CHOSE this life. I CHOSE to have a "whole baseball team of children". I CHOSE to be obedient to God's calling on my life.
If a woman with 2 children complains about how hectic life "with 2" is, society considers it acceptable. If a woman with 8 children complains about how hectic life "with 8" is, society considers it a result of a "lack of responsible use of birth control."
So, I often feel like I'm supposed to smile and talk about how wonderful everything is.
How the kids never argue and always help, how my newest made-up casserole recipe isn't a disgusting flop, how my closets and drawers always stay neat and tidy....how I never lose my temper and always talk in quiet tones (b/c children really do listen better when we whisper), how our latest homeschool project is encouraging my children to pursue a successful career in astrophysics...
You get the picture.
The truth is, I don't mind working hard. I love being a wife. I love being a mother to many. I love homeschooling. I don't really mind laundry so much, either. I like to organize. I love my friends and ministering to others. Cooking is okay, too. (Except I get tired of my own cooking, and Gregg cooks better than me. He always disagrees, but I know better :) )
So, I guess today is just one of those days...and I wanted to share it. Because I read a few blogs and they sometimes depress me. They have beautiful profile pictures, perfect children, handmade curtains in every room, the latest homeschool project/trip to share, Godly wisdom, perfect photography - life is so good there.
Life isn't always good here. I get frustrated. I doubt my decisions. I wonder "What in the world was I thinking??" I think, "I want to get in the van and ride away for a day or two - BY MYSELF."
I don't have it all together...and it frustrates me! I lose my temper when my very strong-willed 6 year old has pushed every one of my buttons - at least 3 times - by 9am! I hide in the bathroom and cry. I ask God "why?"
And, then He reminds me that I don't really need four of me after all. I only need one of me...and one of Him.
Now, if I would just remember that...listen...and trust Him.
Easier said than done.
In the meantime...anybody know a lonely widow who is looking for a crazy woman with 8 kids to visit on occasion? A lady who would genuinely love to sit down and read books to my kids. A lady who might actually LIKE being a regular part of my insane life? Who would instinctively look around and know exactly what I need her to do?
I'm taking resumes...for an older, and much wiser, version of me...
Someone who will work for 2 yr. old hugs, and 1 yr. old wiggles and giggles, and sharing dreams with a 14 year old.
Know any takers?