Well, welcome to a new year!
Boy, did 2012 fly by in a flurry of commotion, expectations, heartaches, and joy - or what?!?
I realized years ago that there was no need for me to make New Year's resolutions - they always make me feel like a failure. Usually they've included stupid stuff like - lose 10 pounds.
Besides, ten pregnancies and 8 children later, I've decided I'm entitled to be 10 lbs. heavier than when I got married. At least that's the way I'm feeling right now, while those Reeses cups are calling my name from the cabinet. When they're gone, maybe I'll rethink the 10 lb. thing. Maybe I'll decide to eat less and exercise more. Maybe wearing the same pair of black pants over and over and over, b/c I don't have others that fit, will motivate me to be healthier. But I don't feel like thinking about it anymore right now.
So...on to the point...
The turning of a new year didn't prompt me to make a resolution exactly, but the past few months I have been thinking A LOT about my role as a wife and mother. Over the course of the last couple of years, I've added a few things to my already very full "plate."
You see, I've been a full-time wife and mother for almost 15 years now. I currently homeschool my 5 oldest children, while caring for my 3 youngest. From the time my feet hit the floor in the morning, until the kids go to bed at night, I barely stop to use the bathroom. Even when I'm on the toilet, I'm usually reading or making a "to do" list or screaming for the kids to stop wrestling before somebody gets hurt! (I'm a multi-tasker...what can I say?)
So, somehow, I added several more very large items to my list of responsibilities / things I WANTED to do. Those things included, but were not limited to, responsibilities at church, learning to sew, learning better photography, training to become a doula, and starting this blog. And, I started my own business - which somehow lead into 2 small, home-based businesses, actually. If I choose to promote my doula services, that could make it 3.
Before I knew it, 2012 was insanely busy - like INSANE! I was homeschooling, making bows while I called out spelling words, and staying up really late just to have a little quiet time to get orders finished. I've multi-tasked my life away. My brain has been going 100 mph - constantly.
So, the past few months things have caught up with me. I've been tired, super-grumpy, depressed, and, in the midst of it all, I'm pretty sure God's been screaming at me to "BE STILL!!!"
I don't even know if I know how...
And, I don't even know what "being still" looks like for me.
But, I do know this...somethings got to give - and it's NOT going to be my husband and children. I need to refocus. I need to step back and take a good, long, hard look at what's important.
I don't want to get 5, 10, 15, 20 years down the road and realize that I was home with my kids, but didn't really get to enjoy them.
So, for the past couple of months I've begun to step back a little. I've been asking God to show me what needs to change.
I've been trying to schedule church and business responsibilities in a way that those things don't take precedence over my primary ministry - my husband and children.
I've been trying to give myself a little bit of grace when I don't feel like I get it all done.
When I should've taken a little extra time for a friend...
When I should've done a better job leading church preschool...
When I should've promoted my products/services more over the holidays...
When I should've sent that special gift/card/letter, but didn't...
I'm trying to focus on spending more time with Gregg and Nathan, Caleb, Eva, Elijah, Isaiah, Samuel, Silas, and Kedesh.
I know, I know...I'm here all day. But, I mean REALLY spending time WITH them - not BESIDE them.
So, last week the kids asked if we could make homemade pizzas - with homemade pizza dough. My first thought was "No way! Can you imagine the mess we'll have to clean up? Let's just eat sandwiches, or soup." (I can be a real ogre.)
Then, I decided maybe this was one of those things God was trying to use to help me remember how to enjoy my kids.
So, we made pizza dough. First time EVER.
And 2 big pizzas.
And it was fun! And yummy!
And, as lame and pitiful as it might sound, I needed that.
It wasn't the pizza, really. It was the fact that we stopped other responsibilites to do something just for fun - for all of us. I'm afraid I haven't been very fun in way too long.
Just the day-to-day tasks of running our home can be daunting. I'm not complaining - just stating a fact. It takes a lot of work. And, sometimes I totally forget to relax a little and enjoy life.
So, I'm trying to refocus. I'm trying to slow down a little.
I'm asking God for guidance. Sometimes I have a hard time discerning if it's what God wants or just what I want. And to make it more difficult, I think God often gives us the desires of our hearts and allows us to use our gifts/abilities to bless others and bring Him glory when that's our heart's motive.
So...does homemade pizza crust make me a better mom?
But, taking the time to make the crust with my kids, just might...